MOVIE: Underworld Awakening (3D!)

I interrupt this over-long running segment of Rapture movie reviews to cover the newly released fourth entry in the Underworld series.  First things first, if you didn’t like the first one, then you probably didn’t like the second.  And if you didn’t like both, then you probably won’t like this one, either.  Liking the third one is completely optional.  But, if you did like the first two, you will indeed like this one.

Underworld, for the uninitiated, is a series of creature feature films dealing with an ongoing war between Vampires and Werewolves (which are called ‘Lycans’ here).  Our protagonist is Selene, played by Kate Beckinsale, a latex-clad vampiric assassin known as a “Death Dealer”.  Her job is to locate and kill the Lycans wherever she can and preferably involving minimal mortal human knowledge.  The story, while interesting, is hardly an intellectual one; in fact, the real enjoyment of these movies comes from their insane action sequences and general high level of badassery.  You don’t walk away from these movies trying to decipher some deeper meaning from it like in Blade Runner.  If you talk about this movie with friends at a coffeeshop or restaurant afterwards, you’re talking about the fight scenes and not the plot.

And that’s perfectly fine.  Not every movie needs to be intellectual artwork; some can just be silly fun.  And that’s where we’re at when we go into Underworld: Awakening.  If you haven’t seen the first two movies, just walk away knowing that I give the series my Seal of Approval and put it all on your “to watch” list (the third one isn’t bad, necessarily, but it’s a slight departure from the original formula so you can feel free to skip it if you want).  Five out of Five Stars.

I’m about to get into a SPOILER or two so you should probably be ALERT and not bitch about it if you continue reading.  No, the 3D isn’t really worth it, even if they did it in an alright thing– it’s pretty much just a gimmick for the fight scenes.

Stuff I… Am Conflicted About: Rapture Movies (Part Five)

Diamanda Hagan has started on the Apocalypse series.  I’m gonna plug it here because Hagan has has her own take on the series from a different approach than I’ve taken.  I think it’s a good counterpart to my own, since I’m really doing a rough overview of the series from within the context of a low-budget company making low-budget films for an audience.  I riffed on the basic concept in the first part of the series, but I try to go with the crazy as it happens, while the Hagan seems to be comparing it within the context of all films.

Anyways, Tribulation is done.  I’m past it.  Now I’m to my favorite of the series, Judgment.  This is my favorite because the story is actually decently constructed compared to the earlier movies.  The pacing and tone are improved over previous offerings, and with the exception of Mr. T, the cast is pretty solid (comparatively speaking, again).  Yes, you read that right.  This movie has Mr. T as a post-apocalyptic recent convert to Christianity; a “hater”.  I’m gonna do the normal SPOILER ALERT again.  I do it to all movies because, hey, not everyone’s watched everything and you might want to watch this… okay, maybe not, but damn it!  I’ve got principles!

Stuff I… Am Conflicted About: Rapture Movies (Part Four)

Before I get started on this, I want to thank Sandey Grinn and Michael B. Moyanahan for giving me a second wind on writing for this blog.  They gave very caring and kind comments on my Zoobilee Zoo article.  I’ve been avoiding writing on this blog because of a few personal problems out in the real world mixed with my apprehension about dealing with the subject matter, and these guys (both awesome actors and cool people to boot) giving me respect like that has fueled me to get the job done.

So, without further ado, I now stagger in to take on the most difficult movie in my series of Rapture Movies:  ”Tribulation” by Cloud Ten Pictures.  Why is this movie hard?  Simply put, the cast consists of Gary Busey, Howie Mandel and Margot Kidder as the main headliners.  Let’s be real here, when you’re putting together a movie script and you think that you need Gary Busey as the lead to add cachet to your film… you’ve got deep problems.  In any case, the normal SPOILER ALERT conditions apply, so if you actually want to watch this thing with a clean slate, don’t click the link.

Stuff I… Am Conflicted About: Rapture Movies (Part Three)

Before I start this one, I would like to take a moment to mention that the movie I’m reviewing as well as all the following ones in this blog series are ones I recommend you purchase and watch.  I couldn’t recommend anyone spend money on the first one unless they become die-hard fans of the series and really need to know the origins of Helen Hannah and the rest of the story (in fact, that’s the only reason I ever really sought it out in the first place myself).  So, for your benefit, at the end of this article and subsequent articles on these movies, I’ll post a link to Amazon and the website of Cloud Ten Pictures so you can go get it yourself.  I won’t say you have to buy it new, I understand not having money to throw around right now, but it is nice to support the folks who actually made it.  And no, I haven’t received any letters from Cloud Ten telling me to say this– heck, only 30 people read the first two articles and I think you all are facebook friends.  So, I doubt Cloud Ten even knows I exist, and even if they did, their web filtering software would probably block me for profane language.

Anyways, that said, it’s time to get on with the next part of this.  In the last episode of our drama, Apocalypse showed the build up to a massive war in Israel that was ended by the Rapture destroying all the nuclear weapons about to destroy the world and kill tons of people, while simultaneously making every born-again Christian disappear in the blink of an eye.  Helen Hannah, previously an unbeliever, comes to a saving faith in Jesus Christ as her lord and savior, and convinces her husband to do the same.  However, while Helen managed to escape the clutches of the Antichrist’s armies, her love was finally executed by hanging on national television, something later mentioned by a character in this movie, “Apocalypse II: Revelation”.

Stuff I… Am Conflicted About: Rapture Movies (Part Two)

I wish I could show you how hard I am facepalming right now.  I had a hard time pushing out Part One of this series because I knew once I finished it, I would have to start on this one.  The first movie in this series is the hardest of them all (Except Left Behind 3: World at War, which I refuse to watch.  I have limits), and so I’ve been dreading writing this piece because I know it means I have to spend many hours watching this movie.  But you have to know about it, because it sets the foundation for the rest of the series.  So, without further ado, here is…

APOCALYPSE: CAUGHT IN THE EYE OF THE STORM

(Do I even need to say SPOILER ALERT?)

Stuff I… Am Conflicted About: Rapture Movies (Part One)

Most of the people inclined towards my particular brand of insanity know one of my most unusual quirks is my love-hate relationship with Rapture Movies.

What’s a “Rapture Movie”?  Well, basically, its a movie whose plot is based around the concept of the “Rapture of the Church”– the belief that, at the second coming of Jesus Christ, those who have accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior will be teleported from Earth to Heaven to be spared the Wrath of God being poured upon the unbelievers who remain “left behind” to a world ruled by Satan.

STUFF I LIKE: “Zoobilee Zoo” (Part 2)

While my last post on this wasn’t necessarily all that popular, I had a hoot doing it– so I win.  Anyways, I figure I’d do more on it, since not everyone got a chance to watch it as a kid, and maybe someone might have as much fun reading it as I’m having writing it.  So, like always, it’s important to focus on the characters, and here’s where I do it!

STUFF I LIKE: “Zoobilee Zoo” (Part 1)

(NOTE:  A few minutes after posting, I decided that I might want to write more on this later on, since I enjoy the show so much, thus the new “Part 1″ in the title.)

I kind of have started to worry just a bit that this blog was going to turn into something too negative.  In order to counter that concern, I decided to do a piece on something I explicitly enjoy entirely.  Yes, I might have a little something negative to say, but I think I’ll probably hold back for the most part here.  So, I decided to look back into my distant past to uncover Zoobilee Zoo, a kids show from back when I was growing up.  So, every one up!  Everyone in!  Time for the fun to begin!

MOVIE: Resident Evil Afterlife (zomg in 3D!)

Alright, I’m going to break things up just a bit for the Little Mermaid thing right now, because earlier tonight, I saw a movie which begs for commentary.  That movie is Resident Evil Afterlife (as you probably guessed from the title).  Before I start, I will say this:  It wasn’t a BAD movie.  It wasn’t a GOOD movie, but it wasn’t bad.  It would’ve been worse, mind you, if I couldn’t spend the entire film riffing on it.  And riff I did, because honestly, it… just wow, if you tried to take it seriously, you probably would hurt yourself.

(SPOILERS AHEAD, STOP READING IF YOU CARE ABOUT THAT)

MOVIE: “The Little Mermaid” (Part 1)

“The Little Mermaid” is a 1989 Disney animated film based on a Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale type story.  The music in it is great, and I have to admit that watching it was one of my more secret pleasures– even as a teenage, from time to time.  But its timeless basis, its production quality and high enjoyability are no excuse for me to not rip into it.