Underworld, for the uninitiated, is a series of creature feature films dealing with an ongoing war between Vampires and Werewolves (which are called ‘Lycans’ here).  Our protagonist is Selene, played by Kate Beckinsale, a latex-clad vampiric assassin known as a “Death Dealer”.  Her job is to locate and kill the Lycans wherever she can and preferably involving minimal mortal human knowledge.  The story, while interesting, is hardly an intellectual one; in fact, the real enjoyment of these movies comes from their insane action sequences and general high level of badassery.  You don’t walk away from these movies trying to decipher some deeper meaning from it like in Blade Runner.  If you talk about this movie with friends at a coffeeshop or restaurant afterwards, you’re talking about the fight scenes and not the plot.

And that’s perfectly fine.  Not every movie needs to be intellectual artwork; some can just be silly fun.  And that’s where we’re at when we go into Underworld: Awakening.  If you haven’t seen the first two movies, just walk away knowing that I give the series my Seal of Approval and put it all on your “to watch” list (the third one isn’t bad, necessarily, but it’s a slight departure from the original formula so you can feel free to skip it if you want).  Five out of Five Stars.

I’m about to get into a SPOILER or two so you should probably be ALERT and not bitch about it if you continue reading.  No, the 3D isn’t really worth it, even if they did it in an alright thing– it’s pretty much just a gimmick for the fight scenes.

Okay, so first movie got the story of Selene being a badass Death Dealer, and how she got to liking Michael Corvin.  We learn that the Lycans and Vampires were part of a family, three brothers.  One turned into a Vampire, the other a Lycan and the other stayed mortal (supposedly).  Any case, the Lycans want Michael because he’s the last descendant of the mortal brother and that he might have the ability to be bitten by both Werewolf and Vampire and become stronger than both.  And they wanna use him to experiment on to figure out if its true or not.  Selene steps in to stop the Lycans, discovers a conspiracy involving a traitorous vampire name Kraven (yeah, it’s okay to groan at that obvious name), and discovers that instead of Lycans having killed her family as a child that it was actually her vampiric ‘father’ Viktor.  She bites Michael, turning him into a Super Saiyan werewolf-vampire hybrid and they kill all the bad guys.  Yay.

Second movie, Underworld: Evolution, take off where the last one left us, with the blood of an executed lycan having seeped into the tomb of the elder vampire Marcus.  Marcus is the original vampire of the Corvinus clan, and there’s a whole thing with Marcus trying to find his brother William (the first werewolf) so they can be Best Bros Foreva and such.  Anyways, Alexander Corvinus shows up; he’s the father of the three brothers and is immortal while still being pretty human.  Kinda meta-human, actually, but in any case.. he’s really rich and has a mercenary army thing going, there’s a big final battle and Selene drinks Alexander’s blood to become Ultimate Super Saiyan 9000 an ultra-powerful super-vampire.  Like, more badass than before.  And there’s another awesome fight sequence or two and Selene is able to step into sunlight for the first time in ages because of her now transcendent power.  Bad guys die, etc.  Yay.

Third movie is a prequel.  It deals with the leader of the Lycans from the first one, Lucian, and his affair with Viktor’s vampiric child Sonja.  This is basically just backstory stuff for the first movie, and to be honest, it shouldn’t have been made.  Like I’ve said, it’s not bad, but.. it was just an utterly unnecessary story.  We got enough from the exposition sequences in the first two to understand what the deal was, and sometimes a story is more powerful by leaving less said so that the audience can fill in the rest in their own minds.  Typically, if you give people enough to know what’s going on, people will just fill in the story with what they think is most awesome and it’s just that much cooler for them.  The moment you spell it all out, you delete at least a little bit of that awesome that once filled the gap.

Now, Underworld: Awakening.  AGAIN, SPOILERS for those who’ve seen the first three but not the latest.  This one basically starts out with a short exposition sequence to remind us all what’s going on, and then immediately launches us into “The Crisis”:  Humans have figured out about Lycans and Vampires.  They classify it as some kind of crazy virus and there’s a mass extermination underway as death squads search for both under Martial Law.  And yeah, it goes exactly like you’d expect.  Lots of violence, shooting and crazy execution-style killing.  Which kind of made me smile, since someone thought it was a good idea to bring their 9-year-old (or at least looked 9-years-old) kids to see this flick filled with violence and gore.  I wonder if they’d feel the same about such graphic levels of sex?  Eh.. anyway..

Selene decides this is a bad thing, and wants to run off with Michael to… eh, no one knows.  But when they get to the pier to get on a boat, they’re ambushed and try to escape.  Selene gets frozen,  and the next we see of her is in a cryogenic tank as an ice cube.  She sees some flashes of what someone else is seeing as they run around, and…

Fuck it, I’m not gonna tell you the story.  Selene got freed by a little girl who we later find out is her daughter (vampire babies?!).  She originally thinks it was Michael who set her free, but finds out it’s the girl.  Her daughter is AWESOME and super-scary when she needs to be, and gives off what is the most badass line in the whole series of movies.  Seriously.  It’s worth watching just for her to say it and you WILL know what line I’m talking about.  We find out that the company that was holding her in cryogenic stasis is actually run by a secret group of Lycans looking to provide cover for themselves, eliminate vampires and create a vaccine to increase their size, strength and resistance to silver.  This twist actually caught me off guard, so I’m sorry if I ruined it for you.

There’s also a bunch of other minor things going around, like the few remaining vampires being in hiding in an abandoned hydroelectric dam.  Yeah, you heard that right.  It was operational… but abandoned enough for them to hide there.  This kinda made me headtilt, but I then realized I was putting too much thought into this.  There’s a young vampire guy who really idolizes (in a platonic way) Selene’s badassness, and tries to help her.  There’s also a detective, but yeah, he’s pretty much there to move the story along and help Selene.  We get to the end, and Selene proves to be awesome as always and kills the Big Bad of the movie with her usual awesomeness flair.  Her kid also has a Crowning Moment of Awesome that made me very happy.

During this whole climax, Selene finds a tank that is holding Michael in cryogenic stasis (she thought he’d been killed) and in her hurry, she simply breaks the thing so that he’ll thaw out and she can get him later.  End of the movie, he’s already busted out of the tank and Selene can’t find him (setting up the next movie as this series loves to do).  All the bad guys die.  Yay.

Seriously, the movie showed a great deal of thought in how it dressed the sets and how it worked out the setting.  The shooting and editing is on spot, and the pace only slows just enough for the audience to catch its breath and then it gives us more action right when we’re about ready to get bored.  The fight scenes again take things up a notch considerably, and Selene’s finishing move on the Big Bad is so great, I wish I had my cell phone out recording it all illegally and stuff just so I could watch it again and again.  The series established its conventions and story early on, and spends little time explaining things; this movie is for the people who liked the last couple movies, not for new people to show up without foreknowledge.  I have to admire that, simply because they know who they’re filming for and they thus proceed to give us exactly what we want.

About the 3D:  Yes, I broke down and paid extra for 3D this time.  Yes, I feel dumb about it.  See, the 3D in this was far superior to Resident Evil Afterlife (and oh yeah, there was a 3D trailer for the NEXT Resident Evil movie.  I actually groaned so hard someone behind me laughed), but that’s a low bar.  In a couple places, I actually flinched a bit like something might actually come hit me.  Which is impressive.  But the problems still remain; when you’re seeing an action movie, you’re there to watch the action in a clear and crisp format.  3D made things a bit too blurry and just off-focus for me and it detracted from what I can only assume were highly crisp visuals that I wish I could’ve seen in high-definition.  Seriously, if you plan to see this thing, don’t pay extra for 3D unless you like 3D for 3D’s sake.

Would I recommend it?  Only to fans of the series.  If you haven’t seen at least the first one, you’ll be completely lost.  If you haven’t seen the second but have seen the first, you’ll have a few problems understanding a few things (like why Selene can walk around in daylight).  If you liked the first two, you’ll love this one– I can’t say that enough.  It basically takes everything that was great from the first two and then turns it up the full blast.  This is the first movie I’ve seen in theaters in a long time that I can honestly say I didn’t feel cheated for paying $10.50 to see.  Don’t go in expecting some greater philosophical point, do go in wishing for quick and high-octane fight scenes, and you’ll love it.  And if that’s not enough to get you interested, THESE VAMPIRES DO NOT FUCKING SPARKLE.  And that point alone should get the creature feature fans happy to watch a blood-sucker v. weredoggie battle royale.

Anyways, Tribulation is done.  I’m past it.  Now I’m to my favorite of the series, Judgment.  This is my favorite because the story is actually decently constructed compared to the earlier movies.  The pacing and tone are improved over previous offerings, and with the exception of Mr. T, the cast is pretty solid (comparatively speaking, again).  Yes, you read that right.  This movie has Mr. T as a post-apocalyptic recent convert to Christianity; a “hater”.  I’m gonna do the normal SPOILER ALERT again.  I do it to all movies because, hey, not everyone’s watched everything and you might want to watch this… okay, maybe not, but damn it!  I’ve got principles!

The cast of this film has Corbin Berson (at the time famous for LA Law, but now seen regularly on USA’s “Psych”) as our male lead, playing the lawyer Mitch Kendrick.  Mitch is a skeptical alcoholic lawyer.  Yup; he doesn’t believe in Jesus, but the bonus here is that he also doesn’t buy into the Macalousso bandwagon, either.  Since this movie starts out as taking place very shortly after the events of Tribulation, Mitch has to have a Mark of the Beast to keep a job and buy stuff, so he’s gotten himself a black market fake Mark.

Yes, this actually fools people who see it.

I have to take a short departure from detailing the cast and characters here to go on a short rant about this.  See, in no other form of apocalyptic Christian literature have I seen this as even possible.  Accepting the Mark of the Beast, even if the intent is insincere, damned you for all eternity.  Having it on you marked you as just as complicit in the schemes of Satan as any full-on devil worshipper.  It wasn’t simply about selling your soul to Lucifer as much as it was about declaring to God that you cared more about the material world and pleasures of the flesh than you did about cleansing your soul.

The Mark being the way to buy and sell goods wasn’t simply the equivalent of a Sam’s Club card, it was a way to force Christians to risk their lives even if they weren’t physically assaulted by limiting their access to basic necessities such as food.  The “fake” Mark is the result of an extra degree of separation from the original text.  The interpretation of the Mark being a supernaturally-imprinted mark created by Satan is the obvious one; but the addition of an RFID chip that can be read by computerized scanners as a way to make sure someone didn’t just Sharpie some sixes on their hand when they go to the grocery store is an addition to the original concept.  The “fake Mark” idea adds on top of this, and while the idea might be heretical to some interpretations of Christian eschatology, the writers actually do some interesting things later on.

Back to the cast; Helen Hannah, played by Leigh Lewis as usual, is going under trial for “Hatred of Humanity”.  Yes, this is a anvilicious reference to the writers perception of the clearly Satanic nature of “hate crimes” laws.  Mitch is manipulated into becoming Helen’s defense attorney by his ex-wife Victoria Thorne, played by Jessica Steen.  Despite the character having such a obvious villain name, she plays the part well.  She loves her some Antichrist and Steen really works the role well, compared to some of the more hammy villains this series has had before.

Considering the material, Steen does a decent job.

Marium Carvell returns to play Selma Davis (from Revelation).  I didn’t mention the actress in the Revelation review, because to be honest, I didn’t know crap about her; her character is far more important than the actress, and her character was always a small part of a bigger story.  In this movie, the things she does as the new defacto den mother of the “Haters” merits more mention as she’s the only person who seems capable of keeping Mr. T in check.

Patrick Gallagher comes back to play Jake (Revelation and Tribulation), who I don’t think I mentioned, either.  His character always seems to be background noise.  ”Generic Christian #3″ with a name.  But he’s been with Helen for pretty much the whole series, except Apocalypse.  Funny thing, though.  Patrick Gallagher actually has done a LOT of work.  I was surprised to note that the guy actually played in a few things I’ve seen before but never made the connection.  Hell, dude was in Sideways, Battlestar Galactica, and GLEE?!  OH FUCK HOW DID I NOT NOTICE?!  But regardless, that’s quite a jump within 8-9 years to go from “Hardcore Christian Apocalypse Porn” to “The Gayest Show on Television”.  Don’t believe me?  Check it out!

I guess his character in Glee is the pre-rapture version? But why is he older.. I don't..

We get another returnee from Revelation in here and that’s Tony Nappo playing Willie Spino.  Remember him?  The VR guy in the wheelchair who sold his soul to Satan to rid himself of his disability?  Well, he’s back.  And he’s actually better than before.  The character is ridiculous, but the guy nails the role regardless in much better fashion than before.  He’s a witness for the prosecution now, and it’s actually an interesting scene.

Now, one thing that strikes me is that, with the exception of Helen Hannah (who is in all of these movies), Franco Macalousso (also in all of these movies and probably one of the most important characters in the series) and Jake (Helen’s loyal sidekick since Revelation), all the returning cast from the series come from Revelation.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that Cloud Ten was kind of embarrassed about that one.  But I do know better.  The reason no one except core cast members returned is entirely because the actors whose characters didn’t die in Tribulation were almost all lied to about the Christian message of the film and wouldn’t have done it in the first place if they knew.

Alright, so the movie… it starts out with a reshoot of the execution of Helen Hannah from Tribulation, complete with VR Guillotine.  However, at the last second, Helen awakes from this vision clutching her neck.  She was dreaming?  Maybe.  It is revealed later that the Image of the Beast stopped the blade right before it killed her and apparently Helen passed out from the fear.  She’s now in a dirty and disgusting dystopian prison with maggots in her food and all.

Helen's apparently being held at the Carroll County Jail.

Corbin Bernsen does the voiceover:  “It is the imminent future.  A great leader has brought peace to the world, as well as a One World Government.  His name is Franco Macalousso, he also has another name…”

This opening sequence shows how much the filmmakers have developed in their profession.  The lighting and blue hue, shot angles and editing really drive home the tone here.  It makes it clear on a subconscious level that Helen Hannah is in for the fight of her life in the most dreary and depressing circumstances of all.  In previous films, she was a fugitive, but it didn’t seem to be all that hard on her.  She always had a base to operate from, ample electronic equipment and plenty of electricity to operate it all.  Food, while not plentiful and great, was still available and there seemed to be little difficulties in acquiring basic nutrition.  Hell, they even had the ability to hack into and hijack the signal of major government satellites overseen by the military of the combined forces of all the world.  She had it pretty good, in a manner of speaking.

Now, not so much.  She’s in blue-hued hell, in a grungy cell on a crusty mattress , supplied only with maggoty food and no one around to talk to.  She’s having nightmares of her own impending death and awakes from them in fear.  Her existence is one of deprivation and terror, but she’s clinging hard to her faith in God to get her through it.  The gritty visual style, dark lighting and grim music building to a rapturous (heh heh) crescendo all work on you.  As the camera pulls away from her cell and down the hallway of the prison in one uncut shot, you see the enormity of what she’s dealing with, and her inferior position in the camera angle  indicates her status as being held submissive to an oppressive state apparatus.  Good fucking job, Cloud Ten.  You finally graduated from film school!

The next scene takes place in what is by far the BEST office for a villain I’ve ever seen in a low-budget movie.  The office features pillars of light with sculptures and vases between them.  The desk of the Antichrist is clean and crisp, with a glass top lit from below.  The aesthetic creates a dark shadowing of Mancuso’s face, which makes this scene work very well.  Mancuso, of course, is awesome; this scene has Thorne informing Macalousso that the Justice Department is doing everything it can to crack down on the Haters.

Pure Pimptonium-239 is seen here.

Macalousso makes note that the “Report Haters” phone line no longer rings, that people are growing lazy about rooting out the Christians among them.  He seeks a case that will not just wake people up to the threat Haters pose, but also humiliate Christians in order to get the few remaining undecided to shift their loyalties to him.  Thorne is shocked to discover that Helen Hannah still lives, as everyone (including Helen) thought she was already dead.  But no, we are shown the moment when Macalousso stopped the blade from falling on her.

This scene works very well, also.  The lighting scheme of a mostly-dark room minimally lit by pillars giving off only a faint ambient light casts shadows on the actors faces and we’re all receiving subconscious messages about the scene’s importance and purpose; Satan and one of his followers are scheming to put on a show trial that should be the final push to rid the Earth of all of God’s remaining holdouts.  The angles and lighting give the whole thing a conspiratorial feel, and the pacing of the actors and their blocking within the scene all combined with the editing contribute to this as well.  Again, good job Cloud Ten.

Next scene cuts to Mitch Kendrick’s office, where an unmarked Irish girl (I’m guessing she’s SUPPOSED to be Irish, but the accent is WAY overdone) named Dawn is meeting with him.  Mitch apparently has gotten known as someone who helps people without the Mark of the Beast, and she’s asking for his help in getting food.  He tries to convince her to take the Mark, but she refuses.  When Thorne shows up, Dawn scatters and begins a scene where Thorne blackmails Mitch into taking the case while Mitch drinks scotch.

Here, the blocking demonstrates Thorne’s superior position in the relationship.  The angles used make Mitch look small, and his actions in the scene (especially his drinking) demonstrate his relative powerlessness compared to Thorne.  We’re not told what Thorne has on him; this creates suspense and intrigue.  Mitch is seen as somewhat carefree and playful at first, but as Thorne begins working him over (entirely verbally), we see him become fearful and the actors do seem to play the history of a couple that divorced in a bitter breakup; they have this unspoken anger at each other, tinged with the hint of a former spark.  You really get the feeling that these two once were married and loved each other, but something big got in between them.

It’s revealed in this scene that Mitch has already been through one of these trials and is in fact the only one with experience in this type of trial.  Again, we’re not told who he defended last time, and that leaves something for them to introduce later as a plot point.  Later on, when it is revealed, it gives an emotional stake to his involvement in the case.

The next scene reveals that the trial has been scripted.  The judge, played by a spooky character actor named Michael Copeman, adds menace to the judicial system and again, the tone of the film is driven home through lighting, angles and editing.  The scene pretty much exists to drive home that the intent of the trial isn’t justice, but to humiliate Christians and herd undecided to join Macalousso’s side.

Not only does he have a rather mean looking facial structure, but the dude looks about 6'10" in later shots. Good casting call on this guy. I can buy him being a scary-ass judge in a dystopian world.

After this, we get our first glimpse of the Haters in their new lair in an abandoned Subway tunnel.  They live surprisingly comfortable despite their underground lair being so isolated, and their being unable to buy or sell goods and services.  In fact, their clothes are clean, their furniture comes right off a showroom floor and they have a full kitchen and TV.  I think this is one of the areas these films screws up big time; they made the rebels of this movie live not too much differently from everyone else.  In fact, the only ones who live in any kind of deprivation are the two “undecided” people, Dawn and David.

Meet the poor oppressed masses, living in an abandoned subway tunnel like the most desperate of homeless people and... wait, is that a window? Why the hell would they need windows? They're living underground! CONTINUITY ERROR! CONTINUITY ERROR!

J.T., played by Mr. T., wants to go out and start smashing faces and the white guy in the group agrees.  But Selma, his wife (Sherri) and Jake all override him saying that it’s not what Helen would want.  He stomps around in a huff all angry but agreeing not to go smashing faces (yet).  We then switch to seeing Helen in a holding cell before the trial, under guard and awaiting Mitch’s arrival.

Helen in a Cell. Kinda sounds like "Hell in a Cell", like from WWE? Heh heh. Okay, bad joke.

The intro shot for this scene is done well with a straight down angle crane shot that pulls itself about ground level.  It cuts to a shot of a CCTV camera that’s watching the cell, which is there to show us how she’s under surveillance all the time, even if the guard leaves the room.  Mitch shows up and asks the guard to leave.  Mitch tries to convince Helen to take the Mark but she refuses, of course.    We cut to the courtroom shortly after.  No time is wasted, and the quick pacing keeps the viewer engaged.

The first courtroom scene, complete with a orchestral musical score, plays up the enormity of what Helen faces, from the TV Cameras and booing angry audience to the layout of the set.  Lighting is clear, dialogue is crisply delivered at a smooth pace.

Thorne’s opening statement boils down to “We’re all in this together, except Christians who are screwing up our Dear Leader’s plan and she must die to set an example.”  Helen cries out that the trial is a set up right as a man runs from a hidden part of the courtroom and tries to stab her, he gets toted away and the court goes into recess; we cut back to the holding cell with Helen and Mitch.

Mitch doesn’t know how to defend her if she makes outbursts like that.  Helen expresses that she couldn’t give a wooden nickle about the trial since she knows she can’t win– she knows it’s stacked against her.  While he tries to point out that reality is tangible, and refers to Christianity as a “suicide cult”.  He calls God a menace and decides to make the trial about putting charges against the Almighty.  This, of course, is way off script and leads to a judges chambers meeting that Macalousso interrupts, pleased with Mitch making this trial about God himself.  The scripted format is dropped, and now it’s a real trial.  Man v. God, (20XX).

Double the Mancuso, Double the Awesome

Helen, however, is displeased by this turn of events.  She wants the trial to remain about her.  And no, not because she’s an attention whore, but because the idea of putting God on trial in such a biased courtroom could discredit her cause and set back the preaching of her faith.  She protests to Mitch that she’s innocent of all the terrorism that the government is pinning on “The Haters”, and Mitch demands proof.  She gives him an email address to send a message to in order to receive proof.

Simultaneously, and in a brief scene, Thorne hires an assassin to follow Mitch and spook him into not going too far off the rails.  We cut to a scene with the Haters, and they’re pissed about Mitch making the trial about God.  Mr. T wants to go smash faces again, but the others argue with him about it again.  This time, Mr. T leaves saying, “If you want to put this in God’s hands, fine.  I’m tired of sitting on mine.”  We are all led to assume he’s headed out to smash faces.

The remaining Haters get the e-mail and code from Mitch to send a video recorded by a former O.N.E. agent who shows Mitch proof that the Haters have been framed.  Mitch is stunned!  We then cut to Mr. T getting a Fake Mark from a shady backalley doctor guy.  Then cut to Dawn and David hanging out on a rooftop getting spooked by Mr. T showing up.  Cut back to the backalley doctor being raided by O.N.E. agents who summarily execute the man, led by a smooth one-off actor named Scott Clark in his only role EVER (according to IMDB).

Best O.N.E. Agent, except maybe for Parker

Even this peripheral character is an improvement over some of the major characters from the previous series.  His movements are controlled, his blocking precise and everything about him screams an attention to detail that was missing from the previous films.  This guy could’ve been plucked straight from the Matrix films, and for a guy who has never been on film before, that’s impressive; it reflects well on both the director and the actor.  He even BLINKS well.

We now go to an important scene in the story:  Mitch’s backstory revealed some.  Mitch has come to the old church that his father was once a preacher at, apparently started up AFTER the Rapture.  The building is fenced off, likely by the government, as being a dangerous place where Haters once gathered.  We flash back to a slightly younger Mitch pleading with his father to abandon this whole Hater thing because Haters are terrorists.  He doesn’t believe his father saying they’re innocent, and this keeps him from listening to his father’s teachings on God.

The flashback is shot in steadicam, likely operating at a severely reduced framerate to give a disjointed feeling.  It shows a good deal of creative work, as previous flashback shots in the series were shot pretty normally with only slightly different lighting and a steadicam instead of a crane or regular camera.  It works pretty well, and again, shows creative development by the production team.

Mitch is busy reflecting on his memories, now that he knows that his father was right and that the Haters were innocent, when Thorne arrives.  She gives Mitch a card for the Hater Hotline in order to report on the Haters whereabouts if he finds any.  Spacing between the characters is used effectively; when Thorne is attempting to bully Kendrick into snitching on the Haters, she stands at a distance, upright, back running perpendicular to the fence.  When she attempts to play on their former intimacy as a couple, she leans in and closes the distance, places a hand on him and speaks in softer tones.

Dialogue here is delivered well, and we get a good impression of Thorne as both a witty woman (even if she botches the “Fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree” cliche), and a bit of a temptation for Mitch to get fully on board with Macalousso’s government.  The playful banter at the end is done well and at a crisp pace.  However, it comes to a halt, and it’s revealed to the audience that she was the one who reported Mitch’s father.  “I did that for YOU,” she says, explaining it as a way of eliminating his biggest weakness; but it clearly didn’t work.  He walks away as the hired assassin (who has poured gasoline all over the church grounds already– you’d think Mitch might’ve smelled it) fires a flare gun at the building, catching it ablaze.  Mitch is stuck standing there in shock watching his father’s church burn.

Quick shot pacing here tells a lot in a short time.

We move back to Mr. T with Dawn and David.  It’s revealed that Dawn is a super-hacker and David used to work for the O.N.E. and that Mr. T needs their help because he pities the fool who won’t work for food.  This is a bit of a plot hole; if Dawn is such a great hacker that she can help break Helen Hannah out of prison, then why can’t she hack herself into the database and get a fake Mark like Mr. Backalley doctor and Mitch?  Anyways, Dawn and David decide to take up the offer to help in exchange for food.

Mitch gets back home and Macalousso is waiting for him at home when Mitch points a gun at him until he realizes who the intruder is.  Macalousso asks Mitch why he keeps only one bullet in his gun, indicating that Mitch is a bit suicidal.  What happens in this scene is great, and is probably the best scene in the whole thing.  Macalousso points out Mitch is an alcoholic, that he spent years in ineffective therapy sessions, and that he doesn’t have a real Mark.  This is great, because it’s a clear indication of the Mark as more than merely a mundane piece of technology as it has previously been indicated to be and is a good little nod to the whole “fake Mark” subplot.

Macalousso says, “I like you, Mitch.  You have certain qualities; self-centeredness, self-pity, pride, vengefulness.  There are all qualities that I like, combined with a certain hatred for God.  Makes for a delicious combination.”  Mancuso works the role well here as the charismatic and tempting world leader who has swayed everyone to his side.  He plays it smooth as he doesn’t ask, but tells Mitch how the trial will go; Helen Hannah isn’t allowed to take the stand or talk about God’s love or any of that, and he wants to be the last witness to testify since he likes “to have the last word on these matters”.

We get moved to a scene with Mitch and Helen again, and Mitch activates a jamming device to turn off the cameras.  We get a back-and-forth vanilla scene of arguing about the existence of God and we also get the big reveal about the Fake Mark that Mitch has.  More talk about God and such ensues and Mitch reveals that the only one he believes in is himself.  We then get back to the trial.

I am so sending this picture to show a friend who is an expert on medals, ribbons and awards to see how much the filmmakers got wrong. This guy has more shit on his uniform than a Soviet Premier.

A general is brought up to the stand to testify that pre-Macalousso world sucked balls because it was “a so-called Christian era”.  I’m sure that’ll come as a surprise to a world that’s majority non-Christian (though Christianity does have the plurality).  Basically, Thorne and the General bash Christianity and talk about how awesome Macalousso is, and Mitch declines to cross-examine him to Helen’s chagrin.

Next, we get the return of Willie Spino.  He talks about how he got the ability to walk when he accepted Macalousso as his savior, and also learned how to move objects with his mind.  He points out that Helen would’ve rather he not done that, which would’ve kept him (in his words) “crippled”.  Mitch pretends to be on his side before he asks, “Do you love your sister?”  And Willie is forced to admit, “it’s more like hate.”  Mitch presses on, “But before you took Lucifer’s mark, she was a Hater.  Did you love her?”  Willie pauses and shrugs, “Well, yeah, I mean, she was my sister.”  This causes an uproar and again we go to a judge’s chambers scene.

After a bit of arguing, we move back to the Haters who are alarmed to notice that Mr. T now has a mark and has brought Dawn and Dave, but he explains it’s a fake and that the two were brought to help him break Helen out of prison.  He also lets them know Mitch’s mark is a fake, too.

We go to another Helen and Mitch Holding Cell scene, with more religious debate and such, and Mitch reveals he’s a total creeper.  Yeah, he’s been watching and listening to the recordings of her in her cell.  Watching her when shes “alone in that cell”.  Despite Mitch being a total stalker of a lawyer, this scene does do a rare thing in a Christian movie and shows that even the most dedicated Christian has doubts, and that it’s not wrong to doubt from time to time.  Rather revolutionary in the genre.

More scene time with “Mr. T and the Haters”, including a moment when Mr. T whips out an MP5 submachine gun, locks and loads it.  Then we get a court scene  with Helen being called to take the stand by the prosecution; she is to be sworn in but refuses to do so with her hand on a creepy scroll thing everyone else has been (and is assumed to be something related to Lucifer’s hoodoo government).

Thorne tears into Helen and basically admits that she’d rather sacrifice the entire world than give up her belief in Jesus.   Mitch cross-examines, and his argument basically builds on “just because everyone else believes something, doesn’t make it right”.  After this, Helen leaves the stand, and Thorne calls Jesus to show up at the stand and of course, he politely declines.  This, of course, would’ve been a great time for the Judge to find Jesus in contempt of court and issue a warrant for his arrest.

Thorne then calls on Macalousso to take the stand.  Mancuso delivers, as usual.  The cross-examination pretty much goes on the whole tack of how he’s actually physically present, unlike God and that he’s causing miracles and all kinds of good stuff.  Thorne asks how he will lead the people of Earth and he proclaims, “I am not here to bring you a new heaven and new Earth for tomorrow!  I am here to bring Heaven to Earth TODAY!”

"I make this shit look good."

It’s at this point that Dawn decides to part company with the Haters.  She and Dave both are being swayed by Macalousso, and Dawn ditches quickly.  But Dave seems to stick around for now, seemingly for the food.  Dawn just walks out, and they let her; remember, of course, that this is a rebel group wanted by the government for terrorist activity.  Instead, they focus on trying to sway Dave to their side.

After a short bit in the court, we cut to Mitch in his home finding the Bible his dad gave him, and he looks it over a bit before the assassin does the “oh hai thar, just letting you know I could’ve killed you a moment ago” thing from outside and then drives off.  Mitch then looks over the “Report a Hater” card Thorne gave him before going to the Hater hideout.  They talk to him and he and Mr. T exchange a few harsh words, blah blah blah.

Selma offers to testify, but Mitch declines.  They say they’re gonna give him the evidence he needs to prove the Haters innocent.  Haters bitch about the lawyer being shitty, before O.N.E. Agents show up and fuck up the whole place.  Gunshots, explosions, and Mr. T looking scared shitless.  It’s edited pretty well considering what they were trying to do, they keep the action quick and simple.  Everyone but Jake, Mr. T, Dave and Selma gets killed.  Which pretty much means that Sherri and Unnamed White Guy get killed.  The only downside is a shitty CG effect of an explosion knocking down boxes.

In the coolest part of this scene, he goes from firing his pistol to tossing a grenade in a single spin move, a complete night-and-day difference from Parker's telegraphed turn-pull gun-turn-shoot sequence in Apocalypse.

We’re back in court now, and it’s revealed to Kendrick that Thorne planted a tracking device on Mitch when they were at the church, and that was how the agents found the Haters.  Selma shows up stumbling into the courtroom and Mitch calls her to the stand to testify.  And Testify she does!  She preaches about God and uses Appeals to Authority to leave Thorne tongue-tied and confused!  Oh, she just got BUUUUURNED!

We get treated to yet another Judge’s Chambers scene, but this time something interesting happens.  Mitch gives the Judge his “Report Haters” card with a license plate number on it in order to get out of being executed summarily for being a Hater sympathizer.  Now, we get Helen and Mitch chatting in the cell again.  This time, when the CCTV jammer Kendrick’s been using jams the feed, Thorne is called (before, the two bumbling guards tried fiddling with the cable until it started working again).

Guards bust into the holding cell area right as he’s berating Helen for throwing her life away for God when God won’t show up and help her.  They search Kendrick and find nothing.  But before they leave, they notice the jammer is on the floor.  Mr. T and the Haters are now in a van, likely the one from Tribulation that they used to broadcast their pirate signals– but you’d think the O.N.E. would’ve impounded the thing.  Dave agrees to go try entering the court building from a door he used to sneak smoke breaks at when he worked there.

Thorne appears in the Judge’s chambers and tells him about the jamming device and the fake Mark.  The Judge tells her that they have to keep it secret from Macalousso until the trial is over and then they can silently kill Mitch and sweep it under the carpet.  Thorne apparently doesn’t agree and sends the assassin to go kill Mitch.  Right as the assassin is atop Mitch, he is shot.  By who?  The slick O.N.E. agent who’s been tracking the faked Marks!  The license plate that Mitch reported before was actually the assassins, and they think the assassin’s Mark is fake!  BOO-YA!

"Glory to Man" = "I really wish my film debut wasn't in Christian movies, I might've gotten more work if I started as an Extra."

Mitch spends the rest of the night listening to Helen’s recorded prayers and drinking.  Dave leaves the van to sneak into the building, but is caught before he even has a chance to get much keycard hackery done, and is shot.  In the midst of this, Mr. T gets a call from Mitch and suddenly, things change.  He charges out of the van into the commotion of guards around the body of Dave and manages to sneak by with the stupidest little handwaving convenience ever written in a movie that didn’t have “Star Trek” in the title.

"WTF are you doin?" "Uhh... just walkin around." "Good, go do some task rendered unimportant by this summary execution." "Yessir!"

However, this little moment is composed well, with Mr. T initially in focus as he is caught and the guard catching him out of focus.  Focus shift as he turns, and quick dialogue delivery.  Indeed, though the important parts of this sequence are primarily shot-reverse shot, it doesn’t get bogged down because it was edited well to keep a good pace.

We get to the next court scene, and Mitch calls Macalousso to the stand in order to ask a series of questions that get Helen riled up so she’d get kicked out of the courtroom and into the holding cell with Selma.  It works, and we get to the climax of our story, with Mitch pulling his gun in court.  Macalousso gets the guards to stand down, and Mitch removes the bullets and hands them to a bailiff.  Mitch calls on anyone in attendance who would be willing to die for Macalousso. Volunteers are readily had, until he actually points the gun at Macalousso; he asks the bailiff to count the bullets– there’s one missing, clearly indicating the gun is loaded.

Holding Satan up at gunpoint. Crowning moment of Awesome? I'd say so.

Mr. T shows up in the holding cell room and starts to break Helen and Selma out of the cell.  Back in the courtroom, no one stands up for Macalousso; not even the Judge or Thorne.  Mr. T can’t get the cell open in a cutaway.  Now, Mitch goes on a rant about how someone did die for them in order to defeat death once and for all.  Mr. T’s keys to the cell fail to work, and someone comes in on him.  Again, plot convenience trumps common sense, and even as Mr. T is busted trying to free the prisoners, the guard obligingly obeys a call to the court room and totally ignores the prison break in progress.

Mitch, however, reveals that Jesus is the true messiah.  Hissing as he speaks, Macalousso tells Mitch, “Kendrick, on this day, ye shall know I am master of this world.”  Mitch rebukes Satan, saying that his treasure is in Heaven and that he renounces the Mark, Macalousso and everything going on around him.  As Helen, Selma and Mr. T go to leave, Thorne kills Mitch with his own gun.

THE END.

Overall opinion?  Not a bad movie.  It’s definitely the best of the series, almost certainly the best Rapture film ever produced, and probably the best Christian film ever made.  Compared to everything else ever made?  Above mediocre.  With better writing and a better budget, it actually would’ve been a bit better.  But since the same production team worked for the series, it shows a clear line of development, all for the better.  Indeed, I’d say that the shot composition, editing, pacing, blocking and everything else was pretty easily low-end Hollywood quality.  B-movie, as opposed to Apocalypse’s F-movie.

The jump from Apocalypse to Revelation was good, showing that they actually started shooting it with film-grade equipment.  The editing and composition wasn’t quite as good, and the sets were still kinda shoddy.  The jump from Revelation to Tribulation showed improvement but it was marginal at best and greatly overshadowed by a cast that didn’t seem to understand WTF was going on.  However, from Tribulation to Judgment looks like a totally different studio was working on it.  It was better in every way, and it was like the director and producers went to film school between the two and took a few courses in how to make a fucking movie.

So, finally.  I’ve finished this series.  It’s over.  Thank God..  wait.  Yeah, I think finishing this series makes me finally believe in God.  I’ve been Raptured from this horrible horrible series of films and now I can finally move on and…

Ah.. wha... no... no, God no!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—

(Next time, I try to cope with “Left Behind”, starring Kirk Cameron.)

Buy shit at Cloud Ten Pictures Here:  Cloud Ten Pictures Shop

Buy this movie at Cloud Ten Pictures Here:  Judgment

So, without further ado, I now stagger in to take on the most difficult movie in my series of Rapture Movies:  ”Tribulation” by Cloud Ten Pictures.  Why is this movie hard?  Simply put, the cast consists of Gary Busey, Howie Mandel and Margot Kidder as the main headliners.  Let’s be real here, when you’re putting together a movie script and you think that you need Gary Busey as the lead to add cachet to your film… you’ve got deep problems.  In any case, the normal SPOILER ALERT conditions apply, so if you actually want to watch this thing with a clean slate, don’t click the link.

This film differs from the usual Rapture Movie formula in that it includes an “amnesia” element.  In the midst of the plot, Gary Busey is rendered comatose before the Rapture and awakens in a world controlled by the Antichrist.  Now, to be honest, this spin on the whole story is actually quite creative and very unique within the genre.  Usually, it goes from “scared about the state of the world launching into the most epic battle of nations” to “peace on earth under a peacemaking manipulative bastard who is scheming to doom all mankind” type of scenario– this is the plot “Apocalypse”, which was a rather vanilla kind of Rapture Movie.

“Revelation” pushed the envelope by starting after the rise of the antichrist. Upon reflection, this showed the creativity that sets Cloud Ten Pictures as better than the rest of its industry and most of its genre by starting in the middle of the Antichrist’s reign.  Which sets us up for “Tribulation”, where we see what its like months before the Rapture and then jumps us right into the middle of the Antichrist’s reign on Earth.

The film itself starts with what might seem as an inconsequential scene about a big sister telling her younger brothers to meet at a certain tree whenever they feel “lost”.  The big sister, who grows up to become Margot Kidder’s character, prays to God that he protect that tree so they can always find each other.  The two brothers join in prayer, but the brother named Calvin wets his pants after waiting so long through the prayer that this becomes fodder for discussion amongst the characters as adults.

And we warp to them as adults laughing, Calvin disputes the story saying that Gary Busey’s character (Tom Canboro) was the one who wet his pants.  Margot Kidder (playing Eileen Canboro) and everyone jokes about how Tom’s version has been told enough times that Eileen (who was there) can’t be sure what happened.  See, Gary Busey/Tom, is a cop married to Suzie Canboro (a journalist who works with Helen Hannah prior to the Rapture), and this is all about talking about the tree and its significance.

In the middle of this lovely family scene, Howie Mandel (playing Jason Quincy, a paranoid schizophrenic who indulges in the use of occult paraphenalia and follows the teachings of pre-rapture Franco Macalousso) consults his Oujia Board-like contraption (labeled a TABAROK board, named after a producer of the film) to discover that the Biblical account of the Tower of Babel is true in that if enough humans are united on a similar thought then they can force that thought on everyone else.

This plays out in a scene where Jason makes an ass of himself by fucking up the dinner table and talks about how a study on a random island somewhere proved a theory that if enough monkeys learned a thing on that island then all monkeys around the world learned the same thing.  He storms off after declaring that  Macalousso is right about unifying the world or something.  Everyone debates the merits and drawbacks of putting the nutjob in a mental hospital.

A sidebar here is that according to IMDB, Margot Kidder and Howie Mandel were not aware this was a Christian film and disagreed with the premise of the film.  Which makes me sad since Cloud Ten Pictures are kind of obvious about who they are and what they do, and apparently their agents were dumb monkeys too since this is kind of a big part of what the production company does.  It also worries me since you’d think someone on the set might’ve clued them into it.

In any case, Suzie gets on the line with Helen Hannah to remind us that Helen existed and has a three way conversation with Eileen and Helen that reads like a combination of what Christians think atheists think of the Rapture, and what atheists think Christians act like.  Helen is utterly flabberghasted by the concept of the Rapture, and Eileen acts like a total bitch correcting her on total boring trivia like “It’s called the Rapture [said like 'are you retarded?  don't you know like everyone else knows'?].  And it’s not all the people.  It is only the believers.  And it’s not the Book of REVELATIONS(uh), it’s the Book of REVELATION(uh)!.”

Yeah, thanks. TL;DR, don't give a crap.

After a touch of family poking at her for believing this crazy idea of a Rapture, Gary Busey– err, I mean Tom Canboro (c’mon, he’s Gary Busey no matter who he is playing, so he’s just Gary Busey from here on out) says he has to go to work being a cop.  Before he does, he shows his brother a ring he wants to give his wife now that he’s financially secure enough as a detective to buy a nice ring instead of the shit ring he gave her when he was a poor beat cop.

Jason, of course, watches more Macalousso propaganda videos and becomes even more sure of the awesomeness of this broski.  And then we see a Black Mass scene in a backroom by demon-possessed or just plain demonic people in a pentagram around a model of the Tower of Babel.  There’s an obviously ADR’d clip of “Jehovah-God” interspersed into the speech which is hilarious, and they taunt God for cowering after the Tower was shunned from the blah blah blah.  Basically, these guys who follow demons or something, are using the Tower of Babel as their guidepost to how to defeat God in the War of Creation that is presaged by the Rapture of the Believers.

Apparently, model building is a serious course at Satan Polytechnic.

They then begin some ritual and seize control of a “College Professor” who teaches a course of Psychic Phenomena, and this open-mindedness is what makes him subject to demonic possession.  He has a huge freakout and yells at his Bible-reading Christian wife.  He goes into a huge rage about it, and threatens his wife, “The time has come to rid the world of the Haters, honey.  All of you must die”.  Yes, “haters” continues as a term for Christians.  Gary Busey gets a report of a domestic dispute and is called to the scene.

At the same time, Jason is having a psychotic episode and is wanting to kill Eileen.  In any case, Gary Busey shows up, and the demon-possessed Professor summons a kitchen knife and uses it all ninja-style before the demons say it’s time to cut off the link or whatever, and he freaks out and jumps out a window.  At the exact same time and on the other side of town, Jason jumps, too.  Apparently, demonic control is kind of an area-effect thing that hits every nutjob within a certain radius.

The Professor dies, of course, but Jason survives since he only jumped from a 2nd floor window.  Gary Busey is shocked about how fast the demon-possessed Professor moved, and then gets called away to Jason’s freakout and his buddy Kenny Rice is given the task of wrapping up the Professor’s thing since Kenny’s a Christian.

Gary Busey goes to see about his brother-in-law at the hospital.  Jason is freaking out about demons, and the doctors say his brain activity is off the charts, and such and so about 10% of the human brain.  It’s all bullshit, but basically, it’s pointing to Jason having some kind of psychic tie.  There’s a few scenes here and there about his use of TABAROK boards and the term “haters”, and Gary gets intrigued by the coincidence.  The hospital refuses to release him, though, since he “is a danger to himself”.

Eileen suggests she preach to him about God, since accepting Jesus cures paranoid Schizophrenia.  Gary Busey shoots this down right before a demon shows up and gives Eileen the creeps.  Gary Busey gets distracted by the arrival of the corpse of the Professor while Eileen and Suzie conspire to sneak a mentally ill man out of a hospital.  The agents of the New World Order question Gary Busey and he lies to these “federal agents” in violation of laws that put fucking Martha Stewart in jail without hesitation.

Long story short, these guys wanna kill Jason because he got the “right message too early” or some shit, and they’ve killed paramedics and such.  So Gary Busey starts radio’ing HQ about all this and gets hit by a truck.  He goes into a coma and we’re flashed into the distant future where he looks like a crazy Rip Van Winkle.

"Oh God, Why did I sign onto this picture? It is beneath me, Gary Busey, to do this crap."

A fellow “patient” in this New World Order/”One Nation Earth” hospital warns him that he should forget about everyone he knows, pretend to be asleep and not let the people coming for him know he’s out of his coma.  This is because if they put “the goggles” (VR Goggles from “Revelation”) on you, “you either come out as one of them or you do not come out at all”.  Of course, this patient has an arm missing, in one of the most hilariously bad fakey amputation things I’ve seen in a movie (you can clearly see the guy is hiding his arm over his chest).  This means he has a disability, which according to the last movie means that he’ll sign his soul to anyone who will make him disability-free even if it means putting “666″ on your newly-created hand.

Our patient, of course, snitches on Gary Busey as soon as Satan gives him a brand-new arm.  But Gary Busey is crafty, you see, and does the whole “The Fugitive” thing and shaves his beard off and sneaks out.  But not before being confronted by Evil Asian Demon Man who is thwarted at the last moment by a door which used to belong to the Chapel.  To express his rage, Evil Asian Demon Man (EADM) bashes in the stained glass window that was previously hidden by a “Utility Room” sign.

Stained Glass beats Demons EVERY DAY.

Gary Busey is loosed on the streets of the new united world, which is united except for “the haters” who keep hacking public transmission in order to spread their message of Jesus being the light and such.  ”Mooney”, the guy who pretended to be a O.N.E. Guard from “Revelation” is stopped with a skillful driving maneuver by the One Nation Earth police force and forced to put on the goggles.  Of course, he defies Macalousso and chooses Jesus and is bit by a snake in VR, which kills him (as established in “Revelation”, if you’re killed in Satan VR, you’re killed in Real Life).

A guy walks up to Gary Busey and is all “LOL, serves him right for being a hater, LOL”.  Gary Busey is hurr durr about all this, and scurries off since the guy is all suspicious when Busey doesn’t speak the lingo.  What follows is Busey evading the authorities, including a scene with EADM ordering a bunch of homeless people to be murdered since they are “stinking up this world”, and Busey escaping into a sewer (which, if this were a video game, would preface the worst level of the game).

Busey’s character, however, proves to be smart, and manages to pickpocket a cell phone from a guy before pointing out some jogger as not having “a mark”.  He uses the phone to attempt to make contact with his old friend Kenny Rice, which fails since no one remembers any of the Raptured folks.  He breaks into his old house, which has been for sale by his brother for some time.  However, the power is still on and he turns on the TV, and gets some O.N.E. propaganda which is interrupted by “Hater” propaganda.  He recovers the ring he intended to give Suzie before his old neighbor starts snooping around.

His old neighbor demands Busey show the mark, but Busey stalls and then assaults his neighbor.  He then knocks his neighbor out, steals his gun, and runs off.  The EADM shows up shortly after and says that Busey is “unarmed” because he lacks a Bible.  Busey rushes to his brother’s (Calvin) house and flashes that he has no mark.

This begins a rather trippy (story-wise but not visual-wise) scene in which Calvin tries to convince Busey to join the side of the antichrist and that Eileen never existed, and blah blah blah– despite all the gun-pointing, it’s pretty boring.  The overall takeaway is that Calvin’s joined Satan’s team and forgotten about pre-Rapture Jesus Freaks.  Gary Busey confronts Calvin about stockpiling explosives to fight “the haters”, and tries to get Busey to put on the Goggles.  But Busey is having none of that shit and pistol-whips his own brother.

We cut to Helen Hannah, who was captured previously hacking into the O.N.E. broadcasts with Jesus sermons.  She’s in chains and makes a “I’m in.” signal.  Then Gary Busey is at the tree from the beginning, where he meets his paranoid schizophrenic brother-in-law, Jason.  They both thank Eileen for having prayed to protect the tree and bring them together.  Then cut back to Helen Hannah who is forced to take the goggles on.  She rebukes Satan and is apparently Guillotined for this.

Jason explains everything that we learned in Revelation, that the goggles are how you choose between God and Satan, and that Jason has avoided it since he isn’t sure which way to go.  He also adds on this new lore about how “The Day of Wonders” is about uniting enough people in a single thought will condemn all humanity to Hell, as in the monkey story.  Interspersed with this is the whole Helen Hannah being martyred thing, where Nick Mancuso chews nonexistent scenery LIKE A BOSS.  LIKE A FUCKING BOSS.

LOL, this scenery satisfies my Recommended Daily Allowance, bitch!

Anyways, Calvin gets killed by VR Macalousso because he fucked up and failed in catching his bro Gary Busey.  Gary Busey has Jesus Armor now, though, and hides in a closet which is invisible to O.N.E. agents in the same way that the cloak from the Elves in Lord of the Rings protected Frodo.  He overhears some scheme about Rat Lake (which is where his super-secret cottage is that only his wife Suzie knows about) and the uplink and some blah blah technobabble about the Font Hill Relay Station.

Gary Busey sneaks away unseen since EADM Can’t Hit What He Cannot See, and plants his brothers explosives at this cottage where he plants a transceiver at.  The EADM crew roll into the explosive house and die while Busey rolls into where Suzie is with Jason.  A fake O.N.E. guy shows up and threatens everyone, and only Jason fails the test and runs away since he hasn’t committed himself to Jesus.  But Gary Busey loves his Jesus and stays.  A few shots at the ground and Fake O.N.E. guy reveals that he has secret Helen Hannah video from a camera hidden in a contact lens that reveals Macalousso for who he is.

Busey has dealt with the EADM, and they have a device that overrides the lockouts on the satellite, so it all ties into a neat bow.  EADM and his team die, “the haters” send out their pirate transmission in the middle of Macalousso’s big speech, and Jason finds Jesus (assuredly curing him of his biologically-based mental illness) and everyone’s happy.  Gary Busey gives the ring to Suzie and then goes to an abandoned church to pray to God.

Macalousso, of course, is thwarted yet again.  And more people find Jesus.  Gary Busey tries flailingly to pray to God in a plain “I’m just gonna talk to you” way, and we all learn that Jesus is awesome and Satan sucks and we should all be born again– though we never see the actual process of being born again on film.

Strengths?  This film is watchable, in that the attempt to give a touch of backstory before shoving us unflinchingly in media res to a story of a world on the edge of God’s Ultimate Judgment works.  Also, if you aren’t in the least bit intrigued by a cast that includes Gary Busey, Howie Mandel and Margot Kidder, then you just probably should stick to Jersey Shore and leave the thinking to grown-ups.

The story is only as weak as the whole Rapture premise is.  And that’s a whole religious debate I don’t even want to go into.  This is probably Gary Busey’s best performance ever, which doesn’t say much, but he’s actually pretty convincing.  I wish a lot of the writing was tightened up, and I wish that these Christian production companies would bring actual atheists in to try to counter the shit they spew, because really, this stuff doesn’t stand alone.  And no one is 100% convinced by a propaganda film.  ”Revelation” did a great job of having a character who rode the line between Jesus and Atheism until the very end.

This one had an undecided and generally “I don’t give a shit, I only wanna find my wife” character who was utterly antagonized by demon people from the moment he woke from a coma, and there was no balance here, just “Accept Jesus or Help Bad Guys” moralizing.  In this, I think it’s the worst of the series excepting “Apocalypse”, in that if you didn’t believe going in, you probably wouldn’t believe going out.

In conclusion, this is a shit film, and everyone involved in the actual decision-making of this film’s narrative should feel bad about themselves.  Your cinematography was vastly improved over the last film, and you wasted it with shit storytelling.  If you did Revelation half as good as you shot this pile of crap, you might actually convert a few people.

And on a personal note, I really really really hate this one.  Like, I show it to people to show how bad things can be done.  Except for everything Nick Mancuso did in this movie because Nick Mancuso is in fact my God and Savior.  And if he tells me to take a mark, I might just do it, because that guy is made of awesome.  If you are not putting Nick Mancuso on your casting calls, you suck at casting and need to leave Hollywood now.

I’m drunk and this movie sucks so bad it makes me drink.  Yeah, Cloud Ten Pictures, your movie sucked so bad I just drank a liter and a half of 10% ABV Riesling and 100ml of Jim Bean to get through this shit.  You’ve made me drink so hard that a normal mortal can’t type.  But I’m able to type through this and I’m even gonna plug your shit.

Buy shit at Cloud Ten Pictures Here:  Cloud Ten Pictures Shop

Buy this shit movie at Cloud Ten Pictures Here:  Tribulation

GARY FUCKING BUSEY.

Anyways, that said, it’s time to get on with the next part of this.  In the last episode of our drama, Apocalypse showed the build up to a massive war in Israel that was ended by the Rapture destroying all the nuclear weapons about to destroy the world and kill tons of people, while simultaneously making every born-again Christian disappear in the blink of an eye.  Helen Hannah, previously an unbeliever, comes to a saving faith in Jesus Christ as her lord and savior, and convinces her husband to do the same.  However, while Helen managed to escape the clutches of the Antichrist’s armies, her love was finally executed by hanging on national television, something later mentioned by a character in this movie, “Apocalypse II: Revelation”.

Okay, so let’s talk about this movie before we get into all the tasty spoilers and other silliness.  First, they fixed the biggest problems of the first film, Apocalypse; the frame rate is more like a major motion picture instead of a soap opera drama, they dropped the excessive usage of file footage cribbed from cable and broadcast news sources, and they actually featured some people who enjoyed some degree of fame before shooting this film.

Second, the script is much tighter, with a quicker narrative pace that is much more connected and contains no “ghoulish motherfucker” moments (no, I’m not letting this go; that dude dug up his dad’s grave, no matter how you slice it, it’s fucked up).  Lastly, and most important, this is where Nick Mancuso takes over as the Antichrist.

Why do I keep gushing about this dude?  Okay, let me put it how I see it as someone who might direct a play.  You’re casting someone to play the role of the tool of Satan’s master plan for epic celestial battle on the physical plane.  If the Earth is a chessboard upon which only part of the drama of the battle between good and evil is played out, this character is your king.  He’s the most important guy in the story, besides the protagonist.  He’s beyond Big Bad, he’s the Meta-Bad.  This requires a guy who can not only deliver lines effectively, but also play many parts.  He has to be the smooth-talker, the seducer, the sly liar, and conman.  But on the other hand, when resisted, he has to be the iron fist of the ultimate evil of the universe, the man from whom all tribulation and suffering for the Last Martyrs, and he’s got to be so evil on so many levels.  Most of all, he has to enjoy every fucking moment of it, because the Antichrist is not just a character who is the tool of Satan but the willing instrument of evil for his own personal glorification.  He is a man who knows God exists, knows Satan is real, and threw his lot in with the guy who promised him the most yum-yums– think of the Temptation of Christ, and imagine someone who at each Temptation said, “Oh yeah, totally, sign me up.”

So who do you cast for this role?  Well, if you’re doing the Left Behind version of it, you pick this guy (who did a pretty decent job as well):

But if you’re like the guys at Cloud Ten before they landed the big money option deal with Tim Lahaye and Jerry Jenkins, you go for someone less subtle in all of those roles I mentioned before.  Someone who can chew scenery and who you can tell not only does a good job of playing a character who really enjoys what he’s doing, but seems to enjoy the acting itself.  You choose Nick Mancuso:

When I say Nick Mancuso chews scenery, I mean it in the most deliciously great way.  I mean this in the way that he’s going “All Out” and it’s TOTALLY called for.  This isn’t hammy crappy acting, this is a guy who is giving 110% to a role that is, by definition, bigger than anything any human being has ever been in existence.  Nick Mancuso took on the role of a man who was so passionate and eloquent that he deceived the vast majority of a planet skeptical of everything.  And this guy sold the part.  So, Nick, if you ever somehow for whatever reason ever read this, kudos.  You MADE these three films.

Alright, now for the meat of the movie, Apocalypse II: Revelation!

(AS ALWAYS, SPOILER ALERT.  DO NOT SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU)

“Three months ago, millions of people vanished off the face of the Earth.  Except for a small band of resistors, a divided world was instantly transformed into one of Peace, Harmony and Love.  The Day of the Messiah had begun.”

So, from this, we know that the movie starts a couple months after the last one left off.  We see in the opening sequence a single camera pan around a house full of family possessions, but only one man.  As it moves around, we see the children’s toys, an empty bedroom, a staircase leading down to the living room and stopping on the lone man watching home movies next to a family photo with him, his wife and daughter.  Next to him sits a Beretta.  The implication seems to be that he’s lonely and considering suicide.

A flashback ensues after the home movie concludes and his eyes close as he drifts to sleep.  His wife implores him to go to church with her and he refuses; “We don’t need church to make us a family, honey.  I’m gonna tell you one more time, I’m not going and I don’t want to hear any more of this Bible stuff.  If you want to go, go!”  And the reverie completes with his wife (holding a camcorder) and daughter (on a swing) disappearing in front of his eyes.

He awakens to the sound of a phone call.  We learn in the next few seconds that the reason he had a pistol there is that he is in fact an agent of the world government known as the O.N.E. (One Nation Earth), led by a messianic leader Franco Maccaluso (I’ve been spelling it funny in previous articles for some unknown reason and I’m too lazy to fix it right now).  His name is Thorold Stone, and he’s played by Jeff Fahey.  At the time, Fahey was known for acting as the title character of The Lawnmower Man, which was a pretty groundbreaking film at the time.  Though, if you were born after 1990, you probably only know him from Lost as Captain Frank Lapidus.  Either way, he does a pretty decent job in this movie playing a guy who is somewhat emotionally deadened by the loss of his family and desperate for any chance to find them…or he just phoned in his performance, I can’t tell, to be honest.

But he does strike a mean pose in the middle of burned out wreckage that makes good fodder for the trailer:

Agent Stone has been called out to the site of a school bus bombing, apparently perpetrated by the evil and ever-present “Haters”, the newly-converted post-rapture Christians who reject Macalusso’s overtures for a peaceful unified world government.  Apparently, it’s one of many such bombings in recent weeks, and the O.N.E. are hot on their trail, seeking to catch and eliminate them.  After the signal sent to the detonator is traced, they rush off from the scene to catch the evil brigade of cruel terrorists.  But not before Stone’s partner, David Nidd, tries to talk him out of his “Alien Abduction” theory for the Rapture and into the “Macalusso is the Messiah” camp.

Through this conversation we learn that Stone works for the O.N.E. because.. it’s his job.  He’s not a believer in Macalusso as a world savior or anything more than a “meet the new boss, same as the old boss” type.  Indeed, it would seem that Stone was probably a police officer or FBI agent of some sort before everything went down, and he just got shuffled into the O.N.E. as all the agencies consolidated under the unified government.  Nidd’s expository conversation reveals to us that Stone is a born skeptic, the kind of guy who always tries to figure out the magician’s tricks, looks for the strings at puppet shows, and checked for Santa’s footprints on the roof.  Nidd and Stone go way back, and while Nidd’s bought the Macalluso line, Stone’s just doing his job while he tries to figure out what happened to his family; “I’m not looking for God, I’m just looking for my family,” is his credo.

Upon arriving at the location that the detonator was triggered from, they receive the orders from headquarters:  ”Orders are to terminate, no prisoners, no dialogue.”  What’s interesting, about these orders is that they come down from the same guy (using the same voice) who does all the radio news announcements.  Stone, however, ignores these orders and tells the SWAT team sent in as backup that he wants them captured alive and taken in for questioning.  Now, we finally get to gaze our eyes on these dirty lowlife scumbags who kill kids on buses as they go to school:

Oh snap!  Surprise!  It’s a small church service/prayer meeting.  Full of rather serene and peaceful-looking people.  Now, one could take it as a gathering of death cultists who are celebrating their success in bombing their target, but we’re supposed to know pretty quickly that they are just regular peaceful Christians.  Now, this preacher is kind of hilarious.  Here’s some lines (following the singing of “He Has Made Me Glad”):

“Do you know what that means?  [Pause]  Do you know what that means?  [Pause]  I’ll tell you what it means!  [Pause]  It means…” And then he’s cut off mid-sentence by the SWAT team shutting it all down.  Now, you have to think, if he didn’t spend all that time asking twice if they know what he means, and then telling them that he will tell them, and then spending even more time setting it up with an “It means”.  If he just said, “Do you know what it means?  It means..” the audience might’ve found out what he actually wanted to say.  I might be just poking fun at some short stupid thing, but it drives me nuts every time I see the movie, because… I really really want to know what this guy means.

There’s a guy leading the SWAT team who is so comically over the top with his just plain utter rage at the mere existence of these people that it walks the borderline of parody.  Gritted teeth, guns jammed in people’s neck and just general “I so wanna kill every one of you with a curbstomp, but my fuckin’ boss won’t let me”-ness.  Of the prisoners taken in this raid is Selma Davis, a bold black woman who stands up for her God and her Jesus.  She argues for her innocence to Agent Stone, who seems sympathetic to the lady.  She says she’s only guilty of believing what Stone’s wife believed in, and that they didn’t send him because of the bombing–they’re being set up–but because they wanted Stone’s team to recover a CD (back when they were the hot thing to have) she took from the O.N.E. when she used to work for them.  She sneaks it to Stone and tells him to take a look at it:

Meanwhile, at Hater Headquarters, Helen Hannah finds out that Selma Davis’ cell has been arrested.  Now they’re all pissed because they really wanted to see what was on Selma’s disc.  It was really really important, but Selma decided she needed to do some hymn singing before she gave it to the people who needed it most.  Which is a good thing for the Haters in the long run, as we’ll see…

Stone takes the disc and as they’re wrapping up the raid, Nidds finds out that his little people-sensor from his buddy Willie Spino is detecting more people inside, and they bust in the door to another part of the abandoned building area, they find other O.N.E. Agents, and they open fire on Stone and Nidds!  A firefight ensues and in the middle of it, one of the hostile agents calls in that they’re on to him and Mr. Parker (from the last movie) tells him to “take care of it”.  But the weaksauce noob agent can’t handle it, and fails hard.  Stone and Nidds go deeper in and find… Mr. Parker!  Nidds tells him to drop his weapon and when he raises it, they unload on his ass to no effect!  This is further proof of David Roddis’ awesomeness, because he not only fakes being shot for a short second or two, but then recovers his composure and looks about as pissed off as any supernaturally empowered guy would be when a couple of normal mortals try to kill him with puny mortal weapons.  Seriously, the guy has a look on his face like, “You assholes, now I have to replace this expensive suit.”

Then he delivers these lines in the most hilariously awesome way:  ”I’m a servant of the Messiah.  I am here to rid the world of anyone and everyone who stands in his way, and now gentlemen, that includes YOU!” And just one-shots the both of them before walking through a wall to make his escape.  You can’t BUY villains this awesome.

So, Nidd is dead and Stone played dead but got up to check on Nidd to discover his life was saved by Nidd’s toy from Willie Spino (whose name and address he finds on the inside of the device).  Stone is smart enough to flee the scene, and on the way out discovers the hostile agents he handcuffed to a pole have managed to escape.

At O.N.E. headquarters, the Selma Davis group is shoved into prison cells and right as they’re doing this, a distraught father turns in his son.  ”I have to do this, son, it’s for your own good,” he says as he hands him over to the jackbooted “I wanna kill me some haters with french fried potaters” SWAT Team guy.  The father lists off the sons crimes, such as finding a Bible in his room (said as if he’d found snuff porn in the kids room) and kneeling by his bed in prayer.  The son protests, “Dad, I was praying for you!”

"I'm sending you off to jail, son." "You bitch!"

We’re told this is an incredibly common occurrence, family members turning each other in for haterism.  And after the father leaves quickly, apparently glad to be done with the burden of parenting, the SWAT Guy basically gives him the “You’s my bitch now” speech.

We move into Parker’s office, now cast in an eerie green glow as the hostile agent guy who failed hard before shows up with another guy and informs Parker that “Sir, we have a rather large problem.”  Parker stops what he’s doing, and with the oddest expression that conveys a mixture of amusement and irritation, he asks, “What… rather large problem is that, Spencer?”

The look on his face says "I know someone screwed up, but this Spencer guy is always good for a laugh with his comical screwups."

Spencer studders and stumbles until Parker literally just yells at the guy, “SPIT IT OUT, MAN!”.  Spencer finally tells Parker that Stone escaped.  Parker now grows more pissed, but maintains a composure that is actually rather chilling.  After ordering Stone to be killed immediately, Parker notices Spencer’s partner has left to tend to that, but Spencer still stands there and informs him that the disc Selma Davis had is gone, too.  This is where Parker loses his shit, and says that Spencer better get his shit in gear and find that disc or it’ll fuck up everything.  Spencer calmly replies, “I understand, sir.” Before Parker interrupts him loudly and angrily, “NO I DON’T THINK YOU DO.  If you did, you wouldn’t be here sniveling, you’d be out looking for the disc and Thorold Stone.”  Now for a gratuitous Parker facepalm pic to add to the internet’s supply of facepalm images:

"SPIT IT OUT, MAN!"

After this, we get a speech from Macalusso and a news announcement that Stone is wanted by the authorities for murdering Nidd.  We witness Stone falling asleep in the car and having some weird dreams about how he needs to check out the disc and some stuff with his wife, and he wakes up suddenly, sees the device that saved his life by taking the bullet and decides to go find Willie Spino.  Traveling to his bizarre warehouse apartment filled with old computers on pallets, he finds Willie and discovers he’s a silly guy who plays VR games and wears outrageous outfits.  Oh, and he’s in a wheelchair, too.

"What makes you think I'm gonna believe you?" "Because I need your help, and my gun is real."

After this awkward introduction, we go back to O.N.E. headquarters.  Parker goes to Selma Davis’ cell, summarily executes her husband, has her dragged out with her daughter, and has her handcuffed to an opposite wall while the daughter is dragged off.  ”No, she’s just a child!” She says, and Parker replies with a creepy smile, “Not for long.”

And then it’s back to Willie’s place, they talk about how the O.N.E. detonator is authentic and how they can’t understand why O.N.E. is false flagging these attacks.  Stone hands over the disc and we find out that it’s a program that Willie was working on for the O.N.E., as the “Day of Wonders” VR package.  But it’s encrypted and he can’t get into it.  Willie explains that he built the equivalent of a VCR and the disc is like a Video Tape with a password, and then talks about how his VR system fully simulates virtual worlds in all senses as real as it gets.  Like, Matrix style.  And then he rolls off to change into an atrocious outfit before the next scene.

And we’re back to Parker and Selma Davis.  He’s interrogating her about where the disc is, and he talks about how he considered being a Christian once but there wasn’t enough power in it for him.  He asks if Thorold Stone became a believer, but she refuses to answer.  He then drops the bomb that he knows that Stone has the disc because Selma’s daughter told him all about it.  ”What have you done with her?!” She asks, angrily.  He replies, “Oh, don’t worry.  She’s not in any pain… now.”  And Selma lets out an anguished “NOOOO!”

And then, again, back to Willie and Stone.  After some silly jokes about his appearance, Willie plugs Stone into the VR system and they experience the full virtual world.  Willie explains how he likes the VR because it lets him walk around when he can’t in the real world.  He mentions a sister he hasn’t talked to in a while and a grandmother who was a nut, and does a demonstration where he cuts his chest with a seashell and it doesn’t register in the real world, which becomes important later on.  Then a “Gee Shucks Yeah” delivery man shows up with a new VR headset that has something to do with the upcoming “Day of Wonders”.  He decides that he needs to know what’s on that disc before the “Day of Wonders” goes live, so he hacks the O.N.E. database to get some info he needs.

We get back to Parker, and he’s pissed at Selma for not cracking, and then his favorite screw-up Spencer shows up and tells him someone’s hacked into the database and that Willie called them to say that Stone forced him to do it, and that he put a tracking chip on Stone.  He orders Spencer to find him and kill both Willie and Stone.  Willie puts the tracking chip on his dog and lets him go for a whiz to lead the O.N.E. guys on a wild goose chase and then they escape off to join up with “The Haters” who might could help them figure things out.  In this, we find out that Willie’s sister is one of them.

At some point in here, there’s a really weird scene where Parker is just raging out on Selma about what she’s holding on to and why can’t she just spill her guts to him, and she starts hallucinating Jesus and he gets a demon voice going, and it’s not really got a point, but it’s kind of cool.

When Willie gets in to the Hater HQ, we discover his sister is… HELEN HANNAH!  The Haters have a blind woman with them who isn’t really a believer but is just following along being played by Carol Alt.  Most of you will probably know her from a reference to her in a Family Guy episode as “Aging Supermodel Carol Alt”.  Yeah, it’s her.  Anyway, she has some “witty” banter with Willie that basically amounts to them cracking jokes about each other while semi-flirting.

Helen tries her best to convert Stone to Christianity, but he’s not buying it.  Later on, Willie’s cracked the Day of Wonders disc, except for a single line of code.  He loads it up and finds… nothing.  Like, standing in an empty white room nothing.  Gets out and is pissed.  There’s more attempts by Helen to convince Stone to accept Jesus.  And there’s actually a rather interesting scene where there’s a relatively serious attempt to portray a debate between a hardcore believer and a decidedly agnostic/atheist here.  Where basically, Stone calls out the fact that God never shows himself directly, where Helen says it’s all about how you interpret events in the world.

Stone proposes that she ask God to do something, to perform some kind of sign; to knock down a glass of water off the table.  She replies that if God did that, you wouldn’t need faith.  ”Why is it always about faith?  Why not proof” Stone asks.  Helen replies that it’s not all about faith, and that you just need a little and you can move mountains.  She then concludes that without faith it doesn’t matter what God does, because he’ll always explain it away.  He bends over the glass intently, imploring God to move the little glass and he’ll believe.  And after he rants about how God didn’t cure his mother’s cancer when he was little, he walks away; in the process he accidentally knocks the table the glass was on, sending it to the floor just a few seconds after he told God to move it.  Helen and Stone exchange glances for a moment and he storms off.  For the Christians in the room, this is proof of God, and for the atheists, this is proof that Stone is a fucking klutz.

I spent way too much time on this picture

Theres another scene of Willie being a horn dog and then another with Helen pitching more Jesus to Stone, then another Willie and Cindy (the blind girl) flirting scene… really nothing happens here narrative-wise, though there is a little character development.  Cindy reveals to Willie she’s not a believer in Jesus, she’s just dependent on Helen.  Parker’s earlier statements during Selma’s interrogation is revealed to the Haters, where he says that once Macalusso has eliminated all the Haters, then God won’t have a reason to come back for the rest of them, and they’ll rule forever.  Parker fakes having Stone’s wife and kid with him over the radio and Stone freaks out and decides to go infiltrate O.N.E. HQ.  In all this time where he’s been flirting with Cindy, Willie’s also concocted a virus to shut down the Day of Wonders VR system.  If Stone can get into the HQ he can insert the virus and that’s it.  So, they set Stone up with a fake ID as a Janitor with a hilarious morphine effect on the computer where Stone replaces the photo of a real janitor there.

While Stone’s playing Metal Gear Solid in O.N.E. headquarters, even sneaking right past Parker, Willie finally cracks the final line of code.  He goes into the VR system and finds a guillotine and nothing else in that white room.  Willie touches the blade of it and cuts his finger.  He then leaves the VR system and finds out his finger is REALLY cut!  There’s no way that can be right!  Can iiiiiit?!  After talking it over with Helen, they determine the Day of Wonders is about the Image of the Beast.

Stone continues sneaking around the headquarters to put in the virus.  But as he’s doing so, Parker decides to do a Black Mass or something, which would be kind of interesting if the lines in it weren’t so stupid.  ”Speak to the world as you spoke to Eve.  [Chorus goes 'Let the day of Wonders begin.']  When she plucked the apple from the tree. [Chorus repeat] Let each man see his heart’s desire [Chorus repeat]  And believe our path will take him higher.  [Chorus repeat]  The real wonders are pride and greed.  [Chorus repeat]  And those shall be our apple tree.  [Chorus repeat].”

Parker holds the weirdest keggers

Right after this, the Day of Wonders program finally turns on and Cindy decides to give it a go even though she’s blind.  I mean, hell, why not?  She wasn’t doing anything useful anyway, except sitting around grasping at air.  No, I’m not kidding.  Fucking reaching in the air for no reason and whining Willie’s name out.  Anyway, she puts the VR helmet on and BAM!  She can see!  And Macalusso in all his Nick Mancuso-ness shows up and chats with her, congratulating her on being the first to experience the Day of Wonders.  He tells her that he’s healed her eyesight and all she needs to do in return is take the Mark of the Beast and renounce Christ.  And of course, she accepts!

Suave master Macaluso shows you how its done

So, right after this, Willie rolls in and says he’s gotta walk Stone through the virus stuff and Cindy shows off her ability to see through a snide comment about his shirt.  Then, off-screen, he accepts the Mark and becomes able to walk.  He then resumes his chair-ness so he can pretend it didn’t happen and try to grill Helen for info, but it doesn’t work and they get found out.  Willie mocks Helen and her buddies, and is about ready to kill them when he slips on the cup that was knocked over earlier during Stone’s “make a believer out of me” speech.  He gets up and his dog is barking at him angrily.  Willie then proceeds to shoot the dog.  Yeah, he’s that fucked up now.

He shoots the dog, but the trope is called "Kick the Dog", because the trope named "Shoot the Dog" is more related to Old Yeller than doing it For Teh Evulz

Alright, well, there’s a bunch of bullshit going down after this.  To sum it up, Helen and one of her buddies in O.N.E. uniform manages to get into the O.N.E. HQ to warn Stone about Willie because they somehow knew Willie would give him bad advice.  Which he does, telling Stone that he needs to put on the VR goggles (so that Stone has to choose to accept the Mark of the Beast or die).  But Stone, given the choice, decides at the last moment to accept Jesus even when Macaluso tempts him with giving him his family back.  Right as Macaluso tries to kill him with the guillotine, Helen and friend show up to shut down the VR system and save his life.  They get the virus in and fool Parker and Willie long enough to let the program load up.

Willie goes apeshit when he figures it out and first tears the disk with the virus on it to bits.  When that doesn’t work he bangs the keyboard, then throws the monitor (which when disconnected and unplugged from the wall still shows the virus continuing to install), he then goes akimbo pistols and unloads on the computer uploading the virus and EVEN THAT doesn’t work.  As this is happening, Stone and all the captured Haters are shoved in a furnace.  But as God intervenes to keep the virus going, he also protects the loyal Christians from the flames.  Parker, in an uncharacteristic showing of stupidity, opens the full-blast furnace door and is utterly incinerated along with the whole HQ building.

The Haters get back to their hideout and watch the news of the burning O.N.E. HQ with excitement and the news that the Day of Wonders has been postponed because of the server crash and burn.  Stone, sitting alone in the back, looks at a photo of his family and feels hopeful that he’ll see them again one day.

I couldn’t rip on this movie that much because first of all, it’s a vast improvement over the first one, which was utter shit.  Second, the story itself stands alone as a testament to weirdness.  I mean, it assumes that basically all the Americans growing up in a country full of “Left Behind” books and Rapture movies, will see a clear sign of the Rapture and say that clearly it’s not the Rapture and turn to Satan for all their moral guidance.  Maybe it’d work in Europe where this kind of thing never took off because it’s something the whole concept is a relatively recent innovation in Christian theology.  But in America?  Probably not.

Lastly, this film’s silliness can only be shown to a certain degree, there’s little to poke fun at in an objective manner.  You have to see Parker freaking out at the end, or his total calm in the face of accepting two pistols worth of ammo to the chest.  You have to see Mancuso getting going in his first time going at the role, which he really comes into with the next movie and just goes all out in the last.  Unlike the next one, the cast (while not big name) isn’t ridiculous in composition.  Compared to Gary Busey, Margot Kidder and Howie Mandel, this group is positively normal and high brow.  And that’s not to say the folks in it are bad, they did an awesome job considering the material they worked with.

So, I’d rate this one about the second best in the series.  Considering how good Judgment is (and it’s actually decent enough sci-fi that I can honestly recommend it in a way different from Battlefield Earth), that’s pretty decent.  But then again, considering how crappy Apocalypse was, and how silly Tribulation is, it’s not that hard.

(Oh, there is one last thing I want to touch on.  The only two people in this movie who accept the Mark of the Beast are disabled, and they accept eternal servitude to Satan because he promises to make them not disabled.  Which strikes me as some real kind of bullshit.  It’s like saying people with disabilities would sell their souls to be “normal”.  Fuck that shit.  Most of the folks I know with disabilities are pretty cool with themselves, and a good number of them are pretty serious Christians.  So, WTF is this shit?  I’d really like to ask Cloud Ten to explain what the deal was with that.)

Amazon:  http://www.amazon.com/Revelation-Jeff-Fahey/dp/B000051S4T/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1314632941&sr=8-1

Cloud Ten Pictures:  http://shop.cloudtenpictures.com/dvd/revelation.html

APOCALYPSE: CAUGHT IN THE EYE OF THE STORM

(Do I even need to say SPOILER ALERT?)

“Thousands of years ago Hebrew prophets were given a vision of the Apocalypse.  The following story is based on what they saw.”

So opens this movie.  First and foremost, it’s worth mentioning that the vast majority of these films (if not all of them) are based off of a single specific interpretation of Christian eschatology known as Pre-millennial Dispensationalism.  What it boils down to is that Jesus died, rose from the grave and ascended to heaven; in some time in our future, he will call up (Rapture) all those who accepted him to heaven to save them from the dire situation known as the “Tribulation”, during which those who converted to Christianity after the Rapture are persecuted and killed and the Antichrist rules the world.  At the end of a seven year period of tribulation, Jesus returns, smites the Antichrist and establishes a 1,000 year rule of awesomeness and such, at the end of which everyone will meet their final judgment.

It’s worth noting, as well, that this particular interpretation did not exist in the Christian world until the 19th Century, and is mostly an American phenomenon.  So, just throwing that out there.

Alright, so the movie starts out with our heroine and series anchor, Helen Hannah (played by Leigh Lewis), sitting with her grandmother.  They’re watching incoming news reports about war brewing in the middle east.  Now, we’re all supposed to be spooked by this.  After all, the middle east is such a peaceful and quiet place, and war there would be catastrophic.  Regardless, her grandmother warns her about things falling into place for the Premillennial dispensational interpretation of biblical prophecy.  Bronson Pearle (her husband) comes to the door and they discuss his recent assignment to cover the ongoing tensions in the middle east.  Helen, being a loving wife, is of course concerned for his well-being.  Bronson reminds her however, that hes covered wars, you know, so it’s all good.  The scene closes out with Helen looking at a TIME Magazine cover story that refers to her love as “The World’s Most Trusted Man”.

Which is odd, because after the opening credit montage of unrelated pictures of shitty things happening to people RIGHT THE FUCK NOW and a bit of “the world is edging even closer and closer to war” as well as a heaping helping of “Israel is the most important place ever” and a bland statement from the most milquetoast Secretary of Defense ever, we find out that the REAL ”World’s Most Trusted Man” is EU President Franco Macallouso, who has the trust of all major world leaders.

I have to stop here, though, because this is a relatively unimportant thing that I can’t help but mention because I fucking love Nick Mancuso’s version of this character; in Apocalypse, Macallouso is played by Sam Bornstein, who while doing the job, doesn’t quite bring the fire to it that Mancuso does.  But this is the lesser of the four films, and so it can be excused.  However, don’t look for Bornstein to really sell the part, he really seems to be doing just good enough to match everyone else’s performance.

Anyways, all these world events are being covered by WNN, which is apparently standing in for CNN because they didn’t want to get sued when they turned the network into the official voice of the Antichrist.  WNN is so pervasive that it is broadcast over the air, over cable, over satellite, over the internet AND on 70,000 video billboards worldwide.  WNN is about as ubiquitous as the telescreens in Orwell’s 1984, and this is likely not on accident.  You cannot escape watching the news, but this is (of course) pushed as a good thing because everyone is glued to their TVs, worried about the impending nuclear war.

Helen’s worried about Bronson some more, and in the editing room, Helen is there to hear that one producer’s church is praying for Bronson and a rather unreligious technician says “God Help Us All” as if that will do something.  In any case, Bronson manages to get a live feed going, and as expected, it’s all out war.  Shortly, news hits that a chemical agent has been dispersed and is killing everything in its path.  We’re supposed to be gripped with fear, but the Israeli army officer who gives us this news is so hammy in his acting that it hurts my brain.  What follows is a whole boatload of what is in reality unconnected irrelevant file footage that doesn’t match the rest of the film; buildings burn, missiles launch and everything is just crazy.  Then, in the midst of this, the ham-tastic Israeli officer orders a strike with “SAMSON’S FEEST” (I think he meant Fist).  Nukes are being launched and shit just got real.  The president of the US makes a speech to the TV Viewing public live, however, he doesn’t actually appear– instead, he is represented simply by the emblem of the President of the United States on a blue background.

No one knows where the nukes are going, but that’s not a problem because right before they’re about to hit, a shit ton of people disappear and along with them go the nukes.  Everyone loses their shit and has no idea what’s going on, which is interesting, because you’d think after decades of Rapture films that these folks would know what’s going down.  In any case, people disappear into thin air, leaving behind a pile of neatly folded clothing.

Yes, folks, that’s right.  It’s not enough for Jesus to snatch folks up.  He makes them fold their clothes too.  Really?  Okay, sorry; this is time for a Zach Morris-style Time Out.  All other things aside, this is the most ludicrous of all of the weird things in these movies.  I mean, I’ve read the Bible cover-to-cover, but I don’t once recall God mentioning freshly folded clothes put into a nice neat pile with your hat and sunglasses on top and wallet set beside.  No, it’s not in there, not even in the Apocrypha.  Where the hell did they get this?

Alright, sorry, back to the movie.  All the armies of the world are baffled, people have disappeared all over the world.  Helen Hannah gets on the air as soon as is possible, and without any fact-checking whatsoever, just goes on and says that people everywhere have disappeared.  Professionalism at its finest!  Without checking incoming reports for truth, she puts people on the air who post up more random footage of things.  Keeping in mind that only about 5-10 minutes has passed since the event occurred.  It took the news more time to respond to 9/11, and half the news agencies were headquartered in New York.

It goes on, until Franco Macalluoso comes on and tells the world that he’s the Messiah and he was the one who stopped all the evil bombs and took away all the Christians because they were full of hate and evil.  And everyone believes him.  They don’t ask for proof, they don’t ask questions, they just buy it because he said so as President of the EU (which is a position on par with being the Governor of Texas).  And thus it goes, on to the next day…

…where we find the guy in charge of WNN reading a Bible, and is confronted by Len Parker.  Mr. Parker is played by an impressively smooth operator named David Roddis.  He’s a rather ruthless character played by a man who seems to control his diction with all the subtlety of a cattle prod.  I can’t help but love this guy, really.  I wish I could watch a movie of him being evil and ordering all kinds of dirty deeds done dirt cheap.  It would be just plain awesome.

Helen Hannah, meanwhile, rushes to her grandma’s house to find she’s one of the disappeared people.  She reads a note from her grandma telling her that God will help her.  Then we see footage of various world and military leaders hailing Macallouso as their Lord and Savior.  Helen, the formerly skeptical unbeliever, watches a few Jack Van Impe (oh, man, I love his show, BTW.. seriously, it’s great) episodes and reads her grandma’s Bible, and immediately sees the logic of Premillennial Dispensationalism (which relies on a ton of twisted logic, hopping around from passage to passage with cross-references and interspersed passages carefully and selectively read), and finds Jesus.  She then heads to meet her boss, and finds him replaced by Mr. Parker.  Parker, utterly menacing yet mincing, assures Helen that he’s up to the task of being Satan’s media watchdog (not in so many words, but it’s heavily implied).

Helen goes on the news with Bronson, and after some utterly banal anchor banter, she calls him away to a side room to explain to him that it’s all in the Bible and he needs some Jesus in his life or he’s fucked.  He finds it ridiculous, and Parker is somehow listening to the conversation, and then there’s some random news clips to represent persecution of the recently converted Christians.  Then Parker calls Bronson in for a conversation where Parker threatens Bronson with making him pick a side for Jesus or Satan.  Bronson walks away pissed; Parker, being the evil genius he really is, has the tech guy install a 10-second delay on the broadcast feed.

We then see some actually funny interviews with a bunch of religious leaders talking about some kind of religious revolution brought by Macalluoso’s declaration of divinity.  What’s hilarious is that there are so many Christian clergy “left behind”– however, they’re all Catholic, so that’s to be expected since Premillennial Dispensationalists tend to be evangelical protestants that don’t consider Catholics to be real Christians anyway.

Now, Macalluoso brokers a 7-year peace pact with Israel and the world, which is spoken of as biblical prophecy.  It gives Bronson something to think on and consider.  Helen risks capture to deliver him some tapes to listen to about evangelical Christianity, which drives him to visit his father’s grave and ask why his dad believed what he did.  Then, in one of the most bizarre moments in film history, this ghoulish motherfucker DIGS UP HIS FATHERS GRAVE!

If you’re like me, you’re sitting here wondering WTF is this shit.  Any normal human being would just give this man the most incredulous look in history if he proposed such a ghastly deed.  If this seems like normal behavior to you, get some help right the fuck now.  Don’t even finish reading the article.  Get help.  Seriously.  Now, story-wise, the reason he’s doing this is to find out if his father’s body was taken up to heaven.  Lo and behold, it was indeed, and he finds a Bible and a pile of neatly folded clothes.  Again, Jesus making people fold their clothes before they get taken to heaven– no rest for the deceased!

I can’t help but wonder if he was wrong on this hunch and his long-dead dad’s corpse was still in there.  Of course, I’m the kind of person who always considers the worst case scenario of things– I’m betting the smell alone would’ve made him retch, and really, is that any way to act around your dad?

Next scene cuts to Parker editing some footage to include more cheering and applause to make Macalluoso look better– but then again, everyone in the world is believing his shit smells like marigolds, so why does this need to be done?  Anyway, Helen confronts Parker with the truth of Jesus’ awesomeness.  Parker’s response?  ”You worship him [Macalluoso] or you die.  That’s your choice.”  Pretty simple.  That’s how Parker rolls.

Next is a huge speech by Macalluoso, where he says it’s time to get rid of “The Haters”.  Now, I’ve long been a proponent of the fact that Haters Gonna Hate, but I don’t think we need to kill them off.  Just remember that you’re never gonna please them, so you shouldn’t try… oh, wait.  ”Haters” is the code in these movies for newly-converted Christians.  Get used to it.  What follows is a musical montage of file footage from various riots and conflicts showing people getting beaten and killed.  Then there are some custom clips they filmed just for this, which are actually far more engaging than the file footage that I assume they put throughout in order to pad the length of the movie.

Bronson reports about Bible burnings taking place all over the world.  But he can’t restrain himself from denouncing this.  And this leads to him getting carted off to a cattle car for his execution.  Meanwhile, Christians nearly purged, the film cuts to file footage of various non-Christian concert and party events (which we determine by the dreadlocked women and men without shirts wearing googly-eye goggles), and then back to Bronson getting banged around by guards.  Bronson tells his fellow cattle-car companions that they’ve got their great reward to look forward to, where they’ll be with Jesus.

Right as Bronson is being set to be executed, the WNN feed is cut into with video of Bronson denouncing the Antichrist and secret camera footage of Parker saying the “You worship him or you die, that’s the choice” line.  Capping it out is a video of Jack Van Impe telling people to choose Jesus.  And spontaneously, a ton of people choose to accept Jesus.  Helen somehow escapes during the execution.

The film ends with the following words:

“The tribulation period will last for seven full years.  Though many will come to know the Lord during that time, most will pay for their faith with their lives.  But whatever their fate here on Earth, all who believe will live forever in the presence of the Lord.”

Honestly, this film is barely watchable to me.  If I’m doing a screening of these films for my friends, I almost always skip this one.  I just give a quick recap of it, because most of the movie is taken up by file footage that doesn’t match the frame rate of the rest of the movie.  However, it does include some plot details that do feed into things later on in the series.  Helen Hannah is in all four movies, the death of Bronson is mentioned in the 2nd movie, the fact that Helen wasn’t a believer (and was actually a rather strong disbeliever) before the rapture is an important detail touched on in the 3rd movie.  Parker is in the 2nd movie, and this movies shows the beginnings of what becomes the “O.N.E.” (One Nation Earth), and it shows the source of its constant media saturation.

Overall, it’s a rather forgettable movie, hard to watch with its dated visual techniques and footage.  The acting has not gotten into place, and really, it’s.. just sad.  It’s a movie full of death and destruction, punctuated by the mass disappearance of a large portion of the population, the rise of the Antichrist as world leader, persecutions and mass executions.  It’s going to be a long time before I watch this one again… unless I wanna watch that ghoulish motherfucker dig up his dad’s grave again for the shock value.

Seriously, WTF was that?  Digging up your dad’s grave?  And that’s what we get from “The World’s Most Trusted Man”?  WTF?

(Part Three coming soon, covering “Apocalypse 2: Revelation“)

What’s a “Rapture Movie”?  Well, basically, its a movie whose plot is based around the concept of the “Rapture of the Church”– the belief that, at the second coming of Jesus Christ, those who have accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior will be teleported from Earth to Heaven to be spared the Wrath of God being poured upon the unbelievers who remain “left behind” to a world ruled by Satan.

A rapture movie has a simple formula:

1)  A non-Christian lead character who will, inevitably, accept Christ as their Lord and Savior when presented with the overwhelming proof of God’s existence.

2)  A world leader who promises peace on Earth, an end to hunger and poverty for those who join in a unifying effort of humanity, and produces miracles that heal the sick, give sight to the blind and allow those who cannot walk to walk.  You know, all the stuff we’re supposed to worship Jesus for.  This is the bad guy.

3)  Cronies of said world leader, who never hesitate to kick dogs, kill their own Mooks, and other pointless acts of violence and debauched Satanic worship all for no reason.

4)  B- and C-list actors.  This is because of one of two reasons.  The first reason, argued by Conservative Christians, is that if you’re a Christian actor in Hollywood, it automatically relegates you to lower status and makes it impossible for you to get choice roles.  The second reason, argued by everyone else, is that these films incredibly small budgets only allow for lower-list actors to be cast.  You decide.

Anyways, all the films I’ll be reviewing here come from Cloud Ten Pictures.  Why?  Because they’re horrible people and I hate them.  Because they make the more watchable Rapture films, interestingly enough.  Also, the entire “Apocalypse” Quadrilogy shows an incredible progression of production values from “Not good enough to be a Made-for-TV Movie” to “Almost cinema-grade”.  Seriously, they went from a mediocre quality level in “Apocalypse” to really bringing their A-game in Judgment.

Then there’s the “Left Behind” Trilogy, where they made two movies that were based around the first two “Left Behind” novels.  And then a third movie that had nothing to do with anything.

I’ll give a short synopsis of the first four before the next part where I dig in deep into each one (SPOILER ALERT)  Later on, I’ll do a thing on the Left Behind movies:

Apocalypse: Caught in the Eye of the Storm-  This movie kicks off an epic a decent film series with a lackluster bang.  Filmed at an unusual frame rate that makes me think of Soap Operas and filled with tons of non-matching file footage from various news agencies, it tells the story of Helen Hannah and Bronson Pearle.  This dynamic duo are married and working for the same news agency, WNN (like CNN, but with more W, I guess).  It starts with a conflict in the middle east of nebulous origins that results in the elimination of weapons right out of the sky at the same time that millions of people around the world disappear in the Rapture.  Helen, after a few bizarre incidents, converts to Christianity and later convinces the skeptical Bronson to join her.  Bronson’s killed, but Helen escapes.

Apocalypse 2: Revelation-  Tells the story of Thorold Stone, an agent for One Nation Earth, set a short time after the Rapture.  His family was taken up without him and he’s under the belief that they were taken by space aliens or something.  Anything but Jesus.  Interestingly, he stays an atheist almost the entire movie.  A raid on a “Haters” (snicker… sorry, this is the nickname that the Mooks of the Antichrist use for those who accepted Jesus after the Rapture) leads him to follow a line of clues that lead him into a conspiracy surrounding “The Day of Wonders”.  Following the clues leads him to Helen Hannah, who helps teach him about Jesus in time for him to go on a mission to thwart the Antichrist’s evil schemes– even before he accepts that the Big Bad is the Antichrist.  This film marks the first time you get Nick Mancuso as the Antichrist character, Franco Macalluso; if you take nothing else from these films, it’s that Nick Mancuso is an AWESOME villain.  Seriously, if you skip everything else in these movies, watch him be the villain.  This guy chews scenery like a rabbit chews through lettuce, but in a way that’s entertaining and not embarrassing.

Tribulation-  Parting with the “Apocalypse” part of the title, this film starts off before the Rapture and follows the adventures of Tom Canboro, a police officer played by Gary Busey.  Yeah, THAT Gary Busey, the real deal– please, hold in your chuckles.  It gets better.  Tom’s sister, played by Margot Kidder (seriously, it gets even better), tries her hardest to teach Tom and his brother about Jesus.  However, the family harmony is disrupted at a regular basis by Tom’s Brother-in-Law, Jason.  Jason, played by Howie Mandel (you are now allowed to laugh), apparently has some form of untreated paranoid schizophrenia or something.  Clearly mentally unstable, he has begun reading the works of Franco Macalluso, whose primary thesis is that a united humanity working towards a common goal can force world peace into being through some kind of subliminal mind-control.  Jason later suffers a psychotic break when he is accidentally affected by the demonic possession of a college professor who is susceptible to mental domination by demons entirely because he keeps an “open mind”.  Yes, you read that right.  Anyways, Tom follows the clues and discovers an evil conspiracy that leads to him getting his shit wrecked by an 18-wheeler.  He wakes up months later in a hospital looking like a member of ZZ Top.  Escaping authorities of the totalitarian One Nation Earth, he finds more about the truth of Jesus, becomes a believer, finds his wife, thwarts the Mooks of the Antichrist while helping save Helen Hannah’s group, and everyone has a great big hug.  GARY FUCKING BUSEY.

Judgment-  Cloud Ten pulled out all the stops on this one.  It is, by far, the best of them.  And regardless of how much tolerance you have for this genre of film, if you’re going to watch only one of these four, this is the one to watch.  With superior production value, narrative structure, composition and most of all, Nick Mancuso devouring scenery like a Tea Partier at a buffet, I really can’t compliment them enough in how far they go from where they had started.  Anyway, at the end of Tribulation, Helen Hannah is captured.  Yes, I said her group was rescued.  Her GROUP.  She, however, got caught.  Antichrist Franco Macallouso has a sad early in the film because people aren’t reporting people for being “Haters” (Again, Christians), and decides to kick up some “Good old fashioned bitterness” by reminding them about how “Haters” exist.  So, he arranges for a show trial.  But what our powerful Antichrist doesn’t account for is the defense attorney tapped for this trial is Corbin Bernsen of L.A. Law fame, playing Mitch Kendrick.  Mitch, as we find out, had to participate in a show trial of his own father, a convicted “Hater”.  Mitch also has a fake “Mark of the Beast”, which allows him to keep buying stuff without actually committing to serving Satan– he hasn’t picked a side because the only person he believes is himself.  Well, the story goes predictably… UNTIL MR. T SHOWS UP.  WTF?  Anyways, Mr. T is being his usual badass self wanting to blow stuff up and shoot people, but he’s a Christian so he’s gotta keep that on lockdown.  Mitch turns the trial into “Man v. God (20XX)” and during the trial finds Jesus, gets saved and everyone’s happy.

I look forward to going through these films piece by piece and seeing what lulz we can extract from them and what lessons film students can learn.

The characters of Zoobilee Zoo are called “Zoobles”.  Each of them represents some broad archetype of professional and hobbyist concept.  One guy’s the boss, one guy builds and fixes stuff, another explores and roams, another sings, and so on.  Anyways, let’s go through it like the opening credits do and start with…

Mayor Ben

Mayor Ben is the guy who really runs this show.  No, really, the guy Ben Vereen is a Tony-award winning musical star.  This guy is still working, too, and has been in a few episodes of some popular shows.  But more importantly, he played Mayor Ben on Zoobilee Zoo.  Now, Mayor Ben is a pretty straightforward kind of character.  He’s the mayor, and he’s here to lend a helping hand.  Most of the time, it’s about giving advice to the zoobles and to the audience, and showing us different scenes.  He also sings, too, as you saw in the last post.  Archetypically, he’s kind of like a father figure for them all.  If there’s a problem you can’t solve through talking it out or whatever, you go to Mayor Ben and he’ll usually put you on the right track.

Not to say the guy isn’t without his creepy factor.  I mean, the reason he gives such great advice and help to folks, is mostly because he’s got a 24/7 closed circuit system watching everyone in town at all times and all places.  I mean, there’s a whole genre of fanfiction potential here in recasting the Zoobilee Zoo as a gigantic dystopian world ruled by an iron-fisted Mayor Ben whose laws are enforced through privacy invasion and whose experiments in social engineering are enabled by his “advice” as he sets the poor Zoobles to various tasks to see the sociological effects on his captive populace.  But this is a kids show, so that’d be kind of weird, I think.  Anyway, on to…

Bill Der Beaver

I mentioned Sandey Grinn before in the last article, and I can’t talk this guy up enough.  He’s even cool enough to pop his head into the facebook fan page for Zoobilee Zoo to thank folks and express how great it is that so many people liked the show.  He also visited kids in hospitals as Bill Der Beaver, and that’s just plain awesome of the guy.  Grinn was also involved in Sabrina the Teenage Witch back when it started, Babylon 5, Beetlejuice, Child’s Play 2 and 3 (You know, back when they weren’t just one big joke)… the guy’s just done some stellar work and seems cooler than ice.  But, again, the most important thing?  Zoobilee Zoo.

He’s playing Bill Der Beaver, the town’s inventor/builder/repairman/etc, character.  Basically, if you need a contractor in town, this is the guy.  He does it all, really.  Building things on command, indeed.  But the best part about his character is that he does have his downsides and he’s not just entirely a cut-out character.  Yes, while these characters tend towards archetypical forms, they still have other interests.  Bill is a very genial kind of guy who enjoys doing all kinds of things– in fact, he’s more than willing to do just about everything put in front of him half the time.  His downside as best I can recall, was that he wasn’t the kind of guy who tended towards theatrical or artistic pursuits– he could plan stuff out he needed to build, but he wasn’t a painter like Van Go Lion, and he wasn’t an actor like Bravo Fox.  This, however, never stopped him from being friends with them– in fact, quite the opposite.  Bill was always one of my favorite characters– he was a nice guy who liked to make stuff, and kind of reminded me of my dad (don’t tell him that).

Lookout Bear

Lookout, well, he doesn’t get the respect he deserves, man.  The actor, well, I admit I don’t know much about.  He seems like a pretty energetic guy, but… so is everyone else on the show.  I want to know what was in their coffee, man.  Regardless, almost every piece I’ve read about Zoobilee Zoo all dump on Lookout.  They describe him as a little kid type character, and a vestige of the childish dream of making a career of being an “Explorer”.  Bull.  Lookout’s archetype is more hobbyish than anything else, yes, but think about the folks who go out bicycling and rock climbing and camping on weekends.  Seriously, there are a lot of people for whom “exploring” and the like is a major facet of their personality and true self.  Looking at it this way is the difference between understanding that someone’s job isn’t “what they do”, but just how they get what they need to survive so they can do the things they do.  Lookout Bear is the personification of the Fight Club speech about “You are not your job…” but with a much less depressing note to it.  Lookout isn’t what he does to keep going, he is the quest for infinity.  Lookout wants to see it all and tell his friends all about it.  Lookout is hardcore, man.  Back off the bear.

Whazzat Kangaroo

Whazzat, well, she’s perky in a town of really perky people.  She’s the musician of the gang, and she really loves what she does.  She’s got the energy of a thousand Red Bulls.  A lot of people who I’ve talked to, didn’t even know she’s a Kangaroo– even when that’s her name.  Some people thought she was a cat.  Which is pretty fitting if she were a kitten.  But regardless, she’s a happy person.  Her actress, Stevie Vallance (she’s credited as Louise Vallance), is a musician, too; lots of voice work, lots of Jazz and all kinds of cool stuff.  She’s also got a Youtube page in the name of her character from Zoobilee Zoo (where she’s stated that there’s a possibility of a Zoobilee Zoo reunion).  She’s often around Bravo because singing and music goes with theatre like peanut butter and chocolate.  She’s always being pressured to act more mature, because her character is one of the youngest in behavior, but only until later in the series does she come around to believing that becoming older might be alright.  She does evolve as a character some, and that’s cool.  Regardless, someone DOES need to get the girl off the Adderall… or on it, maybe?

Van Go Lion

His name is Van Go, and color him fun.  This is an expressive artist, let me tell ya.  Forrest Gardner, if you know no better, has done most of his work in dancing (or his IMDB page says), and was in Captain EO.  Yeah, this dude danced with MJ.  He was considered worthy to dance with the King of Pop back when that was roughly on par with being tapped for Vice President of the US.  His character is the painter– the name wasn’t enough to guess?– and he does a great deal of art, though he also works a great deal of other artistic pursuits and is friends with Bill (who ISN’T?).  Despite the actor being primarily a dancer, he’s got a great singing voice.  Just re-watch that third “You are You and I am I” video, and listen.  Crazy!

Bravo Fox

Bravo’s the theatre guy.  And boy is he.  Now, his actor is Gary Schwartz (the actor, not the controversial PhD who experimented with mediums), who has featured in a wide variety of games and shows.  One notable example is in Left 4 Dead.  Yeah, he’s in there, as the voice of the airport runway radio guy.  If I knew I was talking to Bravo Fox when I was fighting the Zombie Horde, I might have lost my fudge.  But do you REALLY want to lose it, gamers?  This guy is THE HEAVY *AND* THE DEMOMAN from TF2.  WHAT THE CRAP?!  Anyways, Bravo’s always about keeping the show going– he loves the stage, and he always directs the plays and such.  Wait… guys, I’m sorry.  I can’t write on him anymore.  This guy is The Heavy and The Demoman.  I need to hang out with this guy.  Wow, just wow.

Sorry.  Anyways, Bravo’s a nice guy, though he can come off as a bit of a spaz and a hardass.  But really, he’s just very passionate about the stage.  And I can’t say I blame him, since I love theatre, too.  He was one of my favorites, too.  But my overall favorite was…

Talkatoo Cockatoo

Man, she was pretty much the town’s teacher, writer, speechifyer, and fill-in for the Mayor when he was too busy watching stuff to give advice.  The actress, Karen Hartman, was in Inspector Gadget, Real Ghostbusters, and probably just about everything else I watched as a kid.  But as Talkatoo, man, she was great.  She tried to take care of the less sane Zoobles in town, teach them about reading and stuff, and was like the glue that kept the town from falling into total utter chaos.  She even took care of Bravo and helped get him to see a doctor when he was refusing to.  Regardless, she was the most “intellectual” of the gang.

The show pointed out through these archetypes the interdependence between people.  Bravo Fox and Bill Der Beaver were both at the tops of their respective game, but weren’t very good at each others’.  They were still good friends; this could be attributed to a general level of kindness and friendship that permeates the show and setting, but you can also be sure Bill likes a good show, and Bravo needs someone to build his sets.  Bill can build stuff, but who is going to paint it?  Talkatoo can write a good play, but who will put it on stage?  Lookout loves to adventure and find stuff, but why bother if you can’t tell your stories to someone?  Bravo needs someone to compose and sing, Van Go needs someone to build his easels, etc.  It just goes on and on.

Or maybe I’m just silly and reading too much into a cute kids show.

I kind of have started to worry just a bit that this blog was going to turn into something too negative.  In order to counter that concern, I decided to do a piece on something I explicitly enjoy entirely.  Yes, I might have a little something negative to say, but I think I’ll probably hold back for the most part here.  So, I decided to look back into my distant past to uncover Zoobilee Zoo, a kids show from back when I was growing up.  So, every one up!  Everyone in!  Time for the fun to begin!

Zoobilee Zoo was filmed back in 1986 and was composed of 65 episodes.  And yet, somehow Barney the Dinosaur stayed on the air forever.  I can’t help but think that merchandising is the reason for that.  A purple dinosaur sells stuff better than a bunch of people dressed like anthro-animals, no matter how beloved.  Regardless, the show died far too soon; the cast was great, the songs were solid, the content was on-point for a solid kids show that covered a variety of key concepts for a wide swath of ages.

What can I say that’s bad?  Well, it’s a kids’ show– so, for  many adults, it can be much less fun to watch without the aid of pharmaceuticals.  For my part, I still enjoy checking it out from time to time, simply because it’s an amazing show to deconstruct and contemplate how shows like this transmit important life lessons to kids, the methods and message.  Fun times, to be sure.

Another thing that I noticed is that… well, there’s no gentle way to say this, but… well, there’s a kind of gay undertone in there.  It’s hard to put your finger on, and I definitely wouldn’t be meaning it in a negative way (unless I was incredibly self-hating), but it’s kind of hard to not seem a little gay when you’re involving really really happy adults in furry costumes singing musical-esque songs about being friends and such.  I don’t think it detracts from it at all, but it is there (at least from the word of at least 3 of my friends who I’ve watched selected episodes with).

However, there is so much to recommend this NO MATTER WHAT.  Seriously.. here’s a clip of one of my favorite songs from the show:

Okay, let’s think about this song for a second.  ”You are You and I am I”.  What a statement.  It’s got such an existential dimension to it.  See, one of the more interesting parts of human cognitive development in children is the acquisition of a Theory of mind; basically, it’s the understanding of “cogito ergo sum” (and the opposite as well!) as well as the innate consideration that other people have their own beliefs, thoughts, desires, and feelings.  So, basically, it’s knowing that the people you encounter are people too, and that such a knowledge implies that their thoughts and actions are independent of one’s own– that when people do things you don’t like, it’s not because they’re being “stupid” for not avoiding something you dislike, but that they have their own interests and that they are simply pursuing something that THEY actually like.  It’s a bit contemplative, and it can be hard to put into words because this concept is implied in most complex forms of communication– which makes the “You are You and I am I” statement so impressive!

Likewise, “You are You and I am I and that’s just fine with me” can also be taken to point out that it’s okay to be you.  No matter how you look or what you like, it’s okay to be who you are.  It’s a very touching thing to contemplate that this was a message being told back in the day.  It’s a message of not just self-acceptance, but also of accepting others.  It’s not just “You are You” and that it’s good, but also that “I am I” and that’s good– so it’s kind of “I’m O.K., You’re O.K.”, in a sense.  But it is a nice thing to consider, and kind of great to day dream about a world that’s only full of people who think like that.

Then, the show does the song again:

In this case, the song is “You are You and I am I” as a way of saying, “Just because we’re very different in many ways does not mean we can’t get along and be friends.”  That’s just cool, because it almost makes me wonder how much songs like these from shows like this shaped how I think and act, because I’m the kind of person who is just fine with everyone, regardless of their ‘clique’ or ‘style’ or interests.  I try to make friends with people of all kinds, even folks who I don’t agree with on very much.  But I always find that one common thing we can agree on, and I find that such friendships are very enriching.  ”We’re different pieces of the same great pie”, indeed!

By the way, before the next clip I wanted to mention something; this cast rocks!  These guys, from what I’ve read, all participated in the development of the episodes of this show.  The chemistry is just mindblowingly good; a dream, really.  I really wish I could see more stuff with this cast all together, ANYTHING.  I could just imagine if they did some more mature fare on stage, it would be incredible.  Sandey Grinn (the guy who played Bill Der Beaver) has a site of his own, where he writes about his experiences doing the show and being Bill Der Beaver for terminally ill children right here.  The story about the trio (Forest Gardner, Michael Moynahan and Grinn) going to talk to kids there is just a heartwarming thing.  Those guys are kings among men, pure gold.

Anyway, there’s a third go around of the song at the conclusion of this episode:

It always sounds so cool that third time for some reason.  Any case, this time around, I took away the idea of “You are You and I am I” to describe the importance of communication and trust.  In order to communicate with your friend, you have to trust your friend to not judge you harshly but to accept you for who you honestly are in the things you enjoy or how you look.  Likewise, you have to communicate in order to trust your friend, so you have to be open and honest– not being yourself, or lying.. it’s not a communication line that inspires trust.  Being authentic to one self is a key part of being accepted by others (‘true friends’ being best described as the people who like you for who you are in reality, those who only like who you pretend to be not really being ‘true’).

It really can be such a multilayered song if you feel up to thinking over it deeply.  One last video, though, is interesting to me as well, just because I think it’s so cute and nice:

Yeah, it can seem a bit hokey, but I like it.  I mean, really, it’s about being best friends with a cute little doggy.  Most importantly, though, it’s a song that’s not just about defining what it means to be a friend, but also that it’s normal to have feelings for a best friend– it’s not a romantic kind of love, but the kind of positive emotion or affection that comes from sharing experiences, spending time together and similar interests.  I think what makes it perfect is that it’s a male character doing this; there’s definitely a lack of willingness to say it’s okay for men to have and express feelings in our society.  Yeah, yeah “pussification of America”– cram it.  If you think that’s wussy, then you’re calling the spartans, samurai and other perennial awesome warrior dudes of history wussy, and I know for a fact they probably could stomp you in the mud before having manly hugs with each other.

Regardless, I think kids shows don’t get nearly the respect they deserve for the mission they set out to do.  Let’s be real here– these guys put together a show that is just mindblowing from the perspective of child psychology and sociology.  I watch a clip on YouTube and every time, I’m just impressed.  If you’ve never seen the show as a kid, then you probably won’t appreciate it nearly as much, but I say give it a shot.  And if you did watch it as a kid and you’ve got the internet to read this, you should go watch some right now.  It wouldn’t hurt if we could get support for a Zoobilee Zoo boxed set or something, because really, kids today deserve stuff this good– and not some of the dumber crap that’s on today, most ironically custom designed by child psychologists in cooperation with toy manufacturers.

Peace out, my Zoobles.

(SPOILERS AHEAD, STOP READING IF YOU CARE ABOUT THAT)

See, the visuals in it weren’t bad.  It was in 3D, which I maintain is still in its FAIL stage.  3D isn’t a bad idea, and someday it just might revolutionize how films are both made and viewed.  While there were certainly some aspects of it that worked really great, admittedly, it’s still used primarily by studios as a gimmick.  An excuse, basically, to spew brass in the face of the audience and occasionally tossing a giant axe or sunglasses at them.  I’ll keep thinking that, until they can find a way to make it a major part of the concept and development of the film– to use the 3D as part of storytelling and not just to be eye candy.

In any case, for the fan of the Resident Evil game franchise, the movies have already been a kind of painful experience.  Especially the Alice character, who is the most Mary Sue fanfiction bullshit character in the history of film.  She’s a very generic amnesiac security officer who gains superhuman powers and general badassery through no explanation except that she’s just badass.  The best thing this film did was completely strip her of her superhuman powers within the first ten minutes.  Thank God.

So, anyway she flies around in a plane after barely surviving getting brutally pwned by series badass, Wesker.  And when I say pwned, I mean ZOMG PWNED!  And then they ruin this wonderful moment with a cheesy shitty faux-Matrix bullet-time thing where they freeze our characters in mid-air and hover around them.  Oh, you don’t like it when they do that crap?  You thought they were DONE with that before 2003, when Matrix Revolutions made Matrix uncool?  Well, like a hipster with easy access to a loaded bank account and a house next to a Plato’s Closet, they’re bringing all the crap back.

Anyway, Alice flies around, finds a helicopter which is shown (through flashbacks) to have been used by Claire Redfield in the previous film.  Anyway, Claire is conveniently located nearby with this little transformer thing on her chest that makes her forget everything and attack everyone mindlessly.  After knocking her out, Alice pulls her shirt down, takes the thing off and shoots a vlog.  In fact, Alice does a lot of vlogging.  I wonder if there’s some kind of post-Zombie Apocalypse vlog site I’m missing out on.

Regardless, she flies around with Claire some more, finds a few people on the roof of a jail and decides to land on it in her little stunt plane… instead of signaling that she’ll be back with a more substantial form of conveyance and flying back to the HELICOPTER USED IN THE LAST MOVIE AND WE JUST SAW A FEW MINUTES AGO TO USE THAT TO LAND SAFELY AND GET EVERYONE OUT.

The people inside have been surviving decently, but (just like Alice) they want to find this “Arcadia” that is supposed to offer safe haven to uninfected survivors.  They point out to Alice that she’s a total dumbass for not tracking the signal using readily available radio equipment and that Arcadia is a boat off the coast of Los Angeles.  After deciding to not take off again and go get that helicopter, Alice goes to take a shower.  Because that’s important.  But some guy tries peeping on her and gets eaten by a zombie.  What I love most about this scene, is that Alice is so pissed that a guy would peep on her; the reality being that she’s already been seen naked by so many people, anyway since she was an experimental test subject or some bullshit.  Maybe the real reason she’s so pissed at Umbrella is because their mainframe contains nude photos of her.

Anyways, zombies make it in to the jail through the ground, through the inexplicable actions of one highly motivated and ambitious zombie.  Chris Redfield has been conveniently stowed in the jail they’re in and just happens to know all the stuff they need in order to jack a heavily armored, superpowered and ultra-awesome APC and load it with a shit ton of guns.  After a few of the survivors get their day ruined by becoming a meal, the audience gets robbed (and I emphasize ROBBED) by the makers of this film.  How?  That super-awesome APC that was going to get them out of there and to the coast has been sidelined by the APC having been under maintenance at the time of the world’s end.  So, instead, they have to crawl through poop to get out through the sewers and make it out to Arcadia.

They get there, and long story short, the whole thing is one big Umbrella Corporation trap, where Wesker’s been luring survivors to become Happy Meals to keep him from losing control to the T-Virus (which, by the way, looks like a capital letter T… let that sink in… yes, they LOOK like the letter T).  Epic battle ensues, of course and Wesker is stabbed, shot, and then shot again and again like fifty billion times.  And then he gets purged while trying to escape.  A purge, of course, having completely ruined a gigantic chunk of Tokyo, but in this case just makes a helicopter go boom a bit bigger than normal.

Alice decides to turn the Arcadia towards the purpose of saving survivors like it should, and Umbrella’s B-Team shows up at the end.  We get a good look at Jill Valentine’s chest as she prepares the Umbrella troops for the sequel.  Yes, they’re very sure they’re going to get another one of these– and they’re probably right.

The movie wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t good, either.  It was better than “meh”, but worse than “YAY”.  It occupies an odd space of not good enough to watch by itself, but not so bad that it’s laughable–it’s riff material, for sure.  The kind of thing that you sit around with friends and make jokes about all night.  And boy, I did.  The movie drags to a degree, though that’s not too bad, since… well, it’s survival horror-y, which puts the characters in a situation where they spend their days in utter boredom punctuated by periods of intense unrelenting fear.  So, I can forgive that.

What I can’t forgive is Alice.  They removed her powers, and yet she barely seems to be slowed; even then, that’s only in relation to Wesker, who is pretty much the most badass person you can find in this franchise– EVERYONE is moving in slow motion compared to him.  Her kicks and punches retain the same force, flinging people 5-10 feet easily.  She continues to be relatively generic, a placeholder for anyone who watches it and wishes they were a hot, fit, badass.

Wesker carried this film, but even some things about it hurt.  The actor playing him could not do the voice.  He gave it the old college try, but fell short.  Likewise, there’s a scene at the end where he’s revealed through frosted glass sitting in a white throne.  Alice quips, “Why am I not surprised?”  The audience is definitely with her on this, primarily because the crash that might have killed him did not kill the far less powerful Alice.  So, we’re all just waiting for him to return.  And he’s sitting there.  He should’ve had a little white cat in his hands, too, stroking it idly.  Of course, he makes a key point to lay out his entire devious scheme to Alice, too.  Trope to the max.

Regardless, I’d give the film a C+ on an A+ to F- grading scale, with A+ being a masterpiece of historical proportions and F- being something like Battlefield Earth.  So, it’s really in the middle, just a bit above the line of fail.  Worth watching?  Maybe, if you’ve got some friends and you go to a show that is not well attended so you can riff on it where it just is a little silly.  Also, bonus points for Wesker being awesome, Claire’s exploitation shots in the shower (she’s clothed, she’s clothed), and Jill at the end being pretty cool.  Other than that… it’s middle of the road.

But at least it didn’t suck hard like Resident Evil Extinction, whose flaws are more severe in the light of this movie.

Again, it comes down to characters:

Ariel- By far, she is the dumbest of all the “Disney Princesses”, Jasmine and Mulan at the top of the pile.  And really, that’s the worst thing about her.  Unlike Belle, she is actually a nice person (it would seem) with just some different dreams.  She wants to walk on land and see the world.  That’s actually not too crazy; she’s exploring identity and that’s kind of deep.

But her stupidity is staggering and dangerous.  I mean, let’s be real here– she looks for advice from a seagull.  Those are God’s dumber birds, and it’s kind of obvious after watching them in action for a few minutes.  So, Ariel thinking he’s a genius is not a surprise only if she keeps her IQ below room temperature.  She’s also irresponsible, though that may be a result of her stupidity.  She totally ditches on a show for her father, letting down Sebastian and her own sisters.  Ugh.

I will give her props for her willingness to engage in critical thinking by questioning the narrative that the land-world is evil, and using the beautiful things humans make as evidence for at least a spark of goodness.  Likewise, it reveals an interesting line of thought that the act of creating art and tools reveals something about the people who engage in it by the products– that is, making beautiful things is a reflection of a good inner nature or intention, as you attempt to make the world a better (or at least more beautiful) place.  But unfortunately, this is about the only spark of intelligence we get from Ariel from then on out, and it comes 16 minutes in (before the really great song, “Part of Your World”.

She breaks her father’s rules, and her father is the king.  She’s really breaking the LAW.  What is it with the Disney Princesses and general hooliganism?  They’re a case study in Juvenile Delinquency, geez.  But she’s also so stupid that she agreed to a devil’s bargain with Ursula.  I mean, Ursula’s tricky, I’m sure– but she doesn’t really even need much effort to convince Ariel.  Hell, she even tells Ariel that she rakes people over the coals and really enjoys exacting punishment for failing to live up to the terms of the bargains she makes.

It’s not just a normal devil’s bargain, either– Ursula has Ariel risking so much, and ALSO gets Ariel’s voice.  Amazing.  I would love to try to sell Amway to Ariel, I’d get her buying a warehouse and then paying me for the privilege of storing it.  But even then, Ursula USES Ariel’s own voice against her later.  Geez.

Ariel gets loosed on humanity as a mute, and proceeds to put all her seagull training to good use as she makes a total ass of herself.  She fails to meet the terms of her bargain with Ursula (of course) because of meddling from said sea witch.  Regardless, she gets turned into some polyp thing and her dad has to bail her out (of course) and in the process turns over SUPREME COSMIC POWER to the evil sea witch.  Prince Eric kicks a little ass for once, though, and saves her daddy; Ariel and daddy make up and decide she can hook up with Eric, and nothing of value was learned by Ariel since everything worked out in the end with little effort on her part.  Fail.

In any case, there’s more coming.  I’m just trying to get through this now without feeling too much pain as my new way of viewing Disney movies ruins this film for me, too.