XBox One and Joe Dirt


Let us take a moment to contemplate this dialogue from the film “Joe Dirt”:

Joe Dirt: So your gonna’ tell me that you don’t have no black cats, roman candles, or screaming mimis?
Kicking Wing: No.
Joe Dirt: Oh come on man. You got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?
Kicking Wing: No, I don’t.
Joe Dirt: You’re gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don’t have no whistling bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hüsker düs, hüsker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?
Kicking Wing: No… because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.
Joe Dirt: Well that might be your problem. It’s not what you like, it’s the consumer.

This quote shows us how a mullet-wigged caricature of a southerner from a comedy movie is smarter than the guys who run Microsoft’s XBOX Division.

See, the guys behind the new XBOX ONE console apparently think the problem isn’t that they’re wrong and the customer is always right.  It’s that customers aren’t sufficiently “educated” enough to understand how awesome their console is.  We’re too dumb, you see, to understand that having a console that can constantly monitor us, has the technology that backs a patent to restrict the viewing of movies if too many people are detected to be in a room, and turns into a paperweight if it doesn’t check in every day… is FREAKING SUPER AWESOME.  We just can’t comprehend the visionary ideas of people who, because they haven’t sufficiently penetrated the Japanese gaming market (you know, the guys who buy games by the metric fuckton), they’re just gonna give that whole country the finger at launch and if they try to import the console, it won’t work.

What it comes down to, is that the people who created and market the XBOX ONE are saying, “It’s got a shit ton of stuff we think is great.  If you don’t think it’s great, tough titties.  We love snakes and sparklers.”

You would think the E3 showing, with most gaming media and gamers in social media declaring a PS4 ‘victory’ by a landslide, would be a wakeup call.  Microsoft came out with a crate of snakes and sparklers, and Sony brought the truck full of black cats, roman candles, screaming mimis, lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, etc.  With the way it was going beforehand, Sony had to just show up and say “We don’t mess with your used games” and that was it for most people.  But not only did Sony bring the  honkey lighters, hüsker düs, hüsker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with AND without the scooter stick, but it declared their bundle of explosive greatness would cost $100 less.

What happened was, Microsoft came out and said that their console would be only what they like and Sony showed up and said, “It’s not what you like, it’s the consumer.”  Sony’s victory was complete, total and humiliating.  Flawless victory with the Fatality.

Microsoft, after picking its various organs off the ground, has decided to double down on snakes and sparklers.  And if you don’t like what they’ve got, well, they’ll just take their ball and go home.

I don’t know about you guys, but all I have to say is “XBOX, GO HOME.”

California Senator Leland Yee is Intellectually Lazy and Morally Bankrupt

On February 16, 2012, the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee held a hearing titled, “Lines Crossed: Separation of Church and State. Has the Obama Administration Trampled on Freedom of Religion and Freedom of Conscience?“, which was widely panned for the fact that while it revolved around the implications of government policy towards insurance coverage of female contraception, the panel of “experts” it convened had not a single woman on it.  The premise of discussing women’s issues without women being allowed to speak was so preposterous that it became an internet meme within minutes.  The Republicans who decided on the “No Girls Allowed” policy (presumably because they didn’t want to get cooties all over the committee report) were made into walking jokes, as they rightfully deserved (and still do).


In comes the protagonist of today’s sordid tale, perpetual censorship advocate California State Senator Leland Yee (D-San Francisco).  Having witnessed (along with the rest of the public) the House Republicans’ utter failure in common sense, decency and intelligence, he decides that he cannot allow the Republicans to one-up him, and decided to compress the national-level foolishness to his state-level government.  His last attempt to violate the First Amendment having crashed, burned and been pissed upon by all bystanders, he’s attempting to capitalize on the recent shootings by beginning a sensible discussion of the factors involved in gun violence and attempting to grasp the implications to human rights involved in efforts to prevent more episodes of such violence through intelligently-constructed risk mitigation policy another mindless attempt to violate the First Amendment.  And this time it’ll involve a hearing in which he’ll exclude major stakeholders and experts on the subject who disagree with him because he says they make him feel bad and are poopy heads.

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Stuff I… Am Conflicted About: Rapture Movies (Part Five)

Diamanda Hagan has started on the Apocalypse series.  I’m gonna plug it here because Hagan has has her own take on the series from a different approach than I’ve taken.  I think it’s a good counterpart to my own, since I’m really doing a rough overview of the series from within the context of a low-budget company making low-budget films for an audience.  I riffed on the basic concept in the first part of the series, but I try to go with the crazy as it happens, while the Hagan seems to be comparing it within the context of all films.

Anyways, Tribulation is done.  I’m past it.  Now I’m to my favorite of the series, Judgment.  This is my favorite because the story is actually decently constructed compared to the earlier movies.  The pacing and tone are improved over previous offerings, and with the exception of Mr. T, the cast is pretty solid (comparatively speaking, again).  Yes, you read that right.  This movie has Mr. T as a post-apocalyptic recent convert to Christianity; a “hater”.  I’m gonna do the normal SPOILER ALERT again.  I do it to all movies because, hey, not everyone’s watched everything and you might want to watch this… okay, maybe not, but damn it!  I’ve got principles! Read more of this post

Stuff I… Am Conflicted About: Rapture Movies (Part Four)

Before I get started on this, I want to thank Sandey Grinn and Michael B. Moyanahan for giving me a second wind on writing for this blog.  They gave very caring and kind comments on my Zoobilee Zoo article.  I’ve been avoiding writing on this blog because of a few personal problems out in the real world mixed with my apprehension about dealing with the subject matter, and these guys (both awesome actors and cool people to boot) giving me respect like that has fueled me to get the job done.

So, without further ado, I now stagger in to take on the most difficult movie in my series of Rapture Movies:  “Tribulation” by Cloud Ten Pictures.  Why is this movie hard?  Simply put, the cast consists of Gary Busey, Howie Mandel and Margot Kidder as the main headliners.  Let’s be real here, when you’re putting together a movie script and you think that you need Gary Busey as the lead to add cachet to your film… you’ve got deep problems.  In any case, the normal SPOILER ALERT conditions apply, so if you actually want to watch this thing with a clean slate, don’t click the link. Read more of this post

Stuff I… Am Conflicted About: Rapture Movies (Part Three)

Before I start this one, I would like to take a moment to mention that the movie I’m reviewing as well as all the following ones in this blog series are ones I recommend you purchase and watch.  I couldn’t recommend anyone spend money on the first one unless they become die-hard fans of the series and really need to know the origins of Helen Hannah and the rest of the story (in fact, that’s the only reason I ever really sought it out in the first place myself).  So, for your benefit, at the end of this article and subsequent articles on these movies, I’ll post a link to Amazon and the website of Cloud Ten Pictures so you can go get it yourself.  I won’t say you have to buy it new, I understand not having money to throw around right now, but it is nice to support the folks who actually made it.  And no, I haven’t received any letters from Cloud Ten telling me to say this– heck, only 30 people read the first two articles and I think you all are facebook friends.  So, I doubt Cloud Ten even knows I exist, and even if they did, their web filtering software would probably block me for profane language.

Anyways, that said, it’s time to get on with the next part of this.  In the last episode of our drama, Apocalypse showed the build up to a massive war in Israel that was ended by the Rapture destroying all the nuclear weapons about to destroy the world and kill tons of people, while simultaneously making every born-again Christian disappear in the blink of an eye.  Helen Hannah, previously an unbeliever, comes to a saving faith in Jesus Christ as her lord and savior, and convinces her husband to do the same.  However, while Helen managed to escape the clutches of the Antichrist’s armies, her love was finally executed by hanging on national television, something later mentioned by a character in this movie, “Apocalypse II: Revelation”.

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Stuff I… Am Conflicted About: Rapture Movies (Part Two)

I wish I could show you how hard I am facepalming right now.  I had a hard time pushing out Part One of this series because I knew once I finished it, I would have to start on this one.  The first movie in this series is the hardest of them all (Except Left Behind 3: World at War, which I refuse to watch.  I have limits), and so I’ve been dreading writing this piece because I know it means I have to spend many hours watching this movie.  But you have to know about it, because it sets the foundation for the rest of the series.  So, without further ado, here is…


(Do I even need to say SPOILER ALERT?)

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Stuff I… Am Conflicted About: Rapture Movies (Part One)

Most of the people inclined towards my particular brand of insanity know one of my most unusual quirks is my love-hate relationship with Rapture Movies.

What’s a “Rapture Movie”?  Well, basically, its a movie whose plot is based around the concept of the “Rapture of the Church”– the belief that, at the second coming of Jesus Christ, those who have accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior will be teleported from Earth to Heaven to be spared the Wrath of God being poured upon the unbelievers who remain “left behind” to a world ruled by Satan.

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