June 13, 2013 Leave a comment
Let us take a moment to contemplate this dialogue from the film “Joe Dirt”:
Joe Dirt: So your gonna’ tell me that you don’t have no black cats, roman candles, or screaming mimis?
Kicking Wing: No.
Joe Dirt: Oh come on man. You got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?
Kicking Wing: No, I don’t.
Joe Dirt: You’re gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don’t have no whistling bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hüsker düs, hüsker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?
Kicking Wing: No… because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.
Joe Dirt: Well that might be your problem. It’s not what you like, it’s the consumer.
This quote shows us how a mullet-wigged caricature of a southerner from a comedy movie is smarter than the guys who run Microsoft’s XBOX Division.
See, the guys behind the new XBOX ONE console apparently think the problem isn’t that they’re wrong and the customer is always right. It’s that customers aren’t sufficiently “educated” enough to understand how awesome their console is. We’re too dumb, you see, to understand that having a console that can constantly monitor us, has the technology that backs a patent to restrict the viewing of movies if too many people are detected to be in a room, and turns into a paperweight if it doesn’t check in every day… is FREAKING SUPER AWESOME. We just can’t comprehend the visionary ideas of people who, because they haven’t sufficiently penetrated the Japanese gaming market (you know, the guys who buy games by the metric fuckton), they’re just gonna give that whole country the finger at launch and if they try to import the console, it won’t work.
What it comes down to, is that the people who created and market the XBOX ONE are saying, “It’s got a shit ton of stuff we think is great. If you don’t think it’s great, tough titties. We love snakes and sparklers.”
You would think the E3 showing, with most gaming media and gamers in social media declaring a PS4 ‘victory’ by a landslide, would be a wakeup call. Microsoft came out with a crate of snakes and sparklers, and Sony brought the truck full of black cats, roman candles, screaming mimis, lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, etc. With the way it was going beforehand, Sony had to just show up and say “We don’t mess with your used games” and that was it for most people. But not only did Sony bring the honkey lighters, hüsker düs, hüsker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with AND without the scooter stick, but it declared their bundle of explosive greatness would cost $100 less.
What happened was, Microsoft came out and said that their console would be only what they like and Sony showed up and said, “It’s not what you like, it’s the consumer.” Sony’s victory was complete, total and humiliating. Flawless victory with the Fatality.
Microsoft, after picking its various organs off the ground, has decided to double down on snakes and sparklers. And if you don’t like what they’ve got, well, they’ll just take their ball and go home.
I don’t know about you guys, but all I have to say is “XBOX, GO HOME.”